


Color Therapy

by Dimou



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, F/M, Grown Men Crying About Feelings, M/M, Slow Build, So sue me, Universe Is A Dick, Yes It's Another AU, Yes It's Another Hömmels, colorbond, life is a bitch
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-21
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-04-22 18:58:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 28,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4846652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dimou/pseuds/Dimou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The colors had avoided Mats for over 30 years.</p><p>But the universe hasn't forgotten Mats. It may have kept his soulmate well hidden, but just as Mats least expects it, his path with that of his soulmate cross in an unexpected way. An adventure in the world of color charts and love and a bond decided by bigger forces follow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I decided to write some Hömmels for the heck of it. I've been brooding this idea for a longer time already, but I'm so super busy at life ATM that I haven't been able to properly execute this idea yet. That's also why I won't be able to update as often as I'd like, but at least for now I'll try to take the pace of posting a new chapter every Monday. 
> 
> I will once again start things off very slowly, cause that's the way things are supposed to progress :P Hope you'll enjoy the ride :) 
> 
> Also, just on a side note if it bugs you, I was taught to spell like the British do, but I just hate hate hate that red line so much, even more than the fact that the British way of spelling is 'wrong', that for this work I decided to use color instead of colour, even though I still use words like neighbour and organise and whatnot. It just appears too often.
> 
> Damn you Noah Webster.

”Mommy, what color is this?”

”It's blue.”

”And this one?”

”Yellow.”

”And this?”

”Green.”

Little Mats was playing his favourite game, organising his Lego bricks to different stacks based on their color. He couldn't yet see the colors, but perhaps just because of this fact, they were the most fascinating thing he could imagine. He always wanted to know what color different objects were, and he could already remember many of them by heart. His bike was blue, his dad's car was red, their dog was brown. The grass and the trees were green, the roses growing in their garden were yellow and Franklin, his favourite teddy bear, was purple. 

Mats always wanted to wear colorful clothes and each of his mornings started with him asking from his mom what color the clothes he had picked today were. If some of them were of the same color, he went and changed, until each piece of clothing was different. He didn't even want his socks to be the same color. During car rides he demanded to be told the colors of every single passing car and walks in a park with him took hours, as he ran from flower to flower, wanting to know their colors.

Fortunately for little Mats, his mother was a patient woman, who never seemed to get bored of these endless inquiries. She took in her son's bottomless curiosity with a warm smile, secretly hoping that he would never grow old.

Mats had managed to sort out all his Legos and he looked at the different piles before him with pride. Even in grayscale, he could see little differences in the shades. He got the sudden idea, that maybe he could learn to recognise the colors based on what they looked like when they were gray. He leaped up in a hurry and ran to get his toy cars. He knew he had those possibly in all the different colors found in the world.

Mats returned to the living room dragging the box with his cars behind him and repeated the same procedure with them as with the Legos, asking his mom of their color and setting them to the respective piles. Reds furthest away from him, blues next to the wall, yellows by his legs, greens next to his mom. After the cars were sorted out it was time to bring in the teddy bears. He would have liked to examine all his clothes too in a same way, but his mom told he was not allowed to do that, so he was forced to study the various shades only based on Legos, cars and teddies. 

He started with the yellow pile, which was the closest one to him. He didn't have any yellow teddies, but he did have two yellow cars and a load of yellow Lego bricks. They were a very light shade of gray, almost white. Mats took a yellow car to his left hand and a yellow Lego brick to his right one and closed his eyes tightly, trying to memorise the exact image to his mind. Yellow is very light gray. Yellow is very light gray.

After he was certain that he remembered what yellow looked like, he moved on to blue. All the blue Legos looked the same, but the blue cars were a lot darker, whereas the blue teddy was very light. Mats thought it looked more like yellow than blue. He picked it up with a deep frown.

”Mommy, is this teddy blue?”

”Yes it is, sweetie.”

”But it doesn't look like blue. It's too light.”

”That's because it's very light blue, it's a shade called baby blue. The car is dark blue and the Legos are regular blue.”

Mats stared at his mom with unbelieving eyes. ”There are _different kinds_ of blue?!”

”Of course, honey,” the mom chuckled at her son's disbelieving look. ”Just like there are many different shades of gray, there are different shades of every other color too.”

Mats couldn't believe what he was hearing. He looked at the teddy and the car in his hands and then let his eyes rise, took in his whole surroundings. He could see hundreds, possibly millions of different kinds of gray. And if there were same amount of shades of every color... Mats tried to count how many colors he knew. There was red and blue and green and yellow and brown and purple and orange and black so very, very many. All those colors with millions of shades meant that there were about gazillion different shades in the world.

Oh, he just couldn't _wait_ to meet his soulmate so he could see them all!

Mats suddenly remembered something else that his mom had said. Nobby, the blue teddy, was not just blue, but _baby blue_. ”Do all the shades have names?” he asked, excitement brimming in his voice.

”Well, quite many of them do have names. Here, let me show you something.” His mother got up from the floor and went to look for something from the book shelf. She returned soon with a thin book that looked really boring, at least based on its cover. It only had different colored squares on it.

”This is what you call a color chart book. There are pictures of different colors in here and names for them. We can try and see if we can match your toys to these pictures, then we know what color they are.”

Mats was so elated that he had trouble staying in one place, had difficulties with choosing only one toy at a time for comparing. He and his mom spent a wonderful afternoon matching his toys and various other objects to the squares in the color chart book, and Mats tried to remember as many names for the colors as he could.

From there on out, it wasn't enough for him anymore to know that something was blue or red. He needed to know if the blue was midnight blue or sky blue or royal blue or something other. There were some really difficult names too, like cobalt and ultramarine, but they just made the shades that much more fascinating.

The color chart became Mats' favourite book, that he read each and every day, turning the pages and taking in the vast amount of squares, all of them a bit different, all of them with a name written under them. He tried to imagine what they would all be like and how truly magical the world must look like, when he could finally see it in color. He knew he needed to be an adult before he could meet his soulmate, the one that would bring him the colors, and the wait felt like an entire lifetime.

***

Little Benedikt was pouting. He had his arms crossed before him, he was frowning as deeply as he could, his nose was pointing high into the sky and he put as much suffering and offence to his huffs as he was physically capable.

”Colors are stupid anyway. I don't even want to see them.”

He had gotten into an argument with the neighbour's older kid, who was claiming to have met his soulmate and to now be able to see colors. Benni had countered with saying that only adults could see colors and thus the kid was obviously lying. The kid had then started to recite all the colors he was supposedly seeing, how the strawberries were red and apples were green and bananas were yellow. 

Benni had had enough of it and he stomped back home. It was so unfair that adults got to have colors and he didn't, but now the annoying neighbour got them too?! He was older than Benni, yeah, but definitely not an adult. He had just started school.

Benni made sure he was in the safety of his home before starting to cry. Despite of saying the opposite, he really did want to see colors. He hadn't known that strawberries were red and apples were green. He hadn't even known that such a color as yellow existed! He wanted to see them too. 

”Benedikt, baby, what's the matter with you?” his mother came to fuss around him, hug him.

”Tommy is seeing colors and I want to know what yellow looks like too,” Benedikt sniffed, trying in vain to sweep the wet trails of tears dry with the helm of his shirt.

”Tommy from next door?”

Benedikt nodded frantically.

”Sweetheart, baby,” Benedikt's mom hugged him real tight. ”I'm pretty sure he was only pulling your leg. It's very rare for kids to have their colors.”

”But he said that apples are green and everything, how can he know if he doesn't see them?”

”He probably learned that in school today. You will learn those things too, don't you worry.”

Benni was starting to feel a little bit better. His face didn't feel all icky anymore either, his mom had dried it up with a tissue. But it didn't remove the fact that life was so unfair when you were a kid. Only adults were allowed to do all the cool stuff he wanted to do, only adults knew that bananas were yellow.

”But I don't even know any colors,” Benni continued complaining.

”Now that's not true, is it? You know what color your football kit is, don't you?” his mom asked firmly.

Benni nodded, tentatively. ”It's blue.”

”And what colors does the football itself have?”

”Black and white.”

”Yes. And those are the same even if you have colors or not, so you already see it the same way as everybody else,” his mom smiled encouragingly. 

Benni hadn't even thought about that. That meant that he saw the polar bears too the same way as everyone else. And their cat. And a whole lot of things. Who cared about stupid bananas anyway.

”Just wait patiently Benedikt, you'll get the colors too. Everybody does.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm doing my PhD in pseudosciences at Stetson-Harrison Institute.

Mats rolled his eyes for his best friend Marco. He was being downright obnoxious, worrying about the colors of his outfit possibly clashing. 

”Dude, you and Mario are going to be the only ones there who even have colors. What does it even matter if they clash?”

Marco looked at him like he was from outer space, unable to answer anything back for the longest while. ”What does it matter?! You said it yourself, Mario will be able to see!”

Mats wanted to counter something about Mario using most of his time in Marco's presence with his eyes closed, being busy kissing him, but thought the better out of it. They had only met each other couple of weeks back after all, it was bound to be only normal for Marco to be nervous about what Mario thought of him.

Mats was actually quite excited about his friend meeting his soulmate. It had happened without anyone of them expecting it, completely out of the blue. Their had got a new classmate at the start of the year, Mario had moved to their city during the summer, and they had accidentally collided with Marco during a football match in PE class. Their teacher had been this close to calling an ambulance, fearing that Marco had a concussion when he started to look around with big, round eyes and raving about everything looking so weird. It wasn't until Mario too cried out loud and took a similar, at the same time both fearful and amazed expression, that the teacher understood what was happening. Mario and Marco were getting their colors. They were soulmates.

It took some time for both of the boys to really understand what was happening, what it all meant. They hadn't even been talking all that much before the incident. Two weeks ago they hadn't even known that the other one existed. But after the initial shock, it became evident that the universe had once again made an excellent choice when pairing them up. They truly were like two halves of a one being. It didn't take long for them to understand that with the other one life was just that much better. It didn't take long for them to become inseparable.

It was rare to find one's soulmate at such a young age, but it did happen every now and then. Marco and Mario weren't even the only bonded couple in their school. Mats was certain that his time would come soon too, it should only be couple of years anymore, at most. He would start his studies, get a job and so on, there were literally endless possibilities for him to meet his soulmate. The mere thought of it made him giddy, made him want to jump up and down, made a stupid smile spread on his face.

But Mats was a teenager after all, and no matter how much he was daydreaming about his soulmate, it didn't stop his hormones from raging all over the place. He hadn't ever dated anyone, but he did have a healthy interest towards beautiful and fascinating people. Right now he and Marco were getting ready for a party that one of their classmates was having. Mats could roll his eyes at Marco and Mario being attached to each other by the lips for the whole day, but in truth the evening would most likely end up in the same result for him too. It wasn't likely that he was going to meet his soulmate this way but it didn't hurt to explore, right?

 

Mats was still really interested about colors (though he did prefer to wear matching socks nowadays), but what had come alongside it was fascination towards soulmate bonds. Not a lot was known about them, at least accurately, but Mats had digged through all of it. He had even made a presentation about soul and color studies to their science class.

It was well known how the visual system functioned. Light was reflect through the lens to the retina, situated at the back of the eye, that converted the image to brains by neuronal signals. The retina had different kinds of cells, called rods and cones, that were responsible for detecting the colors. Colors on a physical level were pretty straight-forward too, light consisted of photons moving in different wavelengths and objects absorbed these tiny particles. If an object didn't absorb photons of a certain wavelengths, say 400 nanometers, those photons reflected back to the receiver's eye and made them see _red._ It was only when the concept of a soulmate entered the equation that things got complicated. No one had a clue why all the photons appeared gray until you met and touched a specific person. And what made this one person so special, so different from the billions of other people on Earth.

Research of this phenomenon had been carried out probably as long as research in general had been made. For thousands of years, and still today in certain circles, the colors were seen as an irrefutable fact of a god, whichever name he went by, existing. Ancient Arabians had studied the eyes and concluded that the touch of a soulmate made some physical changes in the structure of them. Greeks however theorised more about souls, of their building materials and the superior mental unity that bonded couples possessed. As modern medicine evolved, the research interest focused on the brains, claiming that the soulmate's touch altered the nerves system, the link between the retina and the brains, and made the brains function a little bit better, being able to receive information about colors.

It was apparently evident that some physical changes did happen, but how and why, that was a different question. It wasn't easy to properly study these changes, to record them, as bonds always happened randomly, one couldn't know beforehand who his or her soulmate was. Some people received their colors during a longer time period after the initial touch and some empirical research had been made on these persons, but still it wasn't enough to really figure out for good what was going on in the brain when these changes happened.

Some very questionable studies had also been made the other way around, recording the changes that took place when one's soulmate died. Although you did loose the ability to see colors once it occurred, the changes in the eye structure and brain functions weren't as noticeable as when the colors first came. And thank god exhaustive studies of this hadn't been carried out. Talk about research ethics, killing people just to see what physical changes it did to the brains of their loved ones.

All in all the whole field of soulmate studies was very fuzzy-edged, full of good guesses and minimal proven facts. Any theory was basically as good as the other. Being somewhat of an enthusiast, Mats had scrolled through all the major theories, and a good number of the not-so-well-known ones too. He didn't have enough scientific knowledge to say which one of them seemed the most reliable ones, which ones were most likely closest to the truth, but he did have favourites, based on how intriguing they sounded.

Very widely agreed theory suggested that soulmates were two people whose chemical and neurotonic properties were so similar that their bodies started to interact with each other, exchange metalevel information through air, quantum physics on hormones if you like, some sort of mix of particle diffusion and teleportation.

It sounded very plausible, it could very well be true, but Mats was more of a romantic than a scientist, he much preferred the theory of the souls of bonded couples being two pieces of one entity, broken down in the tumults of the Big Bang, spreading all over the universe, reuniting again when soulmates met each other. To him it felt comforting, because it meant you were whole again with your soulmate, you were literally a part of him or her, you were one, together.

Then again it could mean that the other half of his soul was sailing somewhere on the other side of the Milky Way, but Mats had confidence that he didn't have _that_ bad luck.

***

Benni closed his eyes, tilted his head slightly to the left, raised his hand to grab a fistful of silky hair and leaned in. He was getting quite good at this. 

At first the idea had sounded rather gross. It certainly didn't look very appealing, and to just even think about the physiology of it, exchanging saliva, licking the insides of other person's teeth, possibly nibbling at their _ears_ for crying out loud had made his stomach ready to turn upside down.

But once he actually tried it, he couldn't get enough of it. Kissing was quite possibly the best thing there ever was or was going to be. Benni could do it all day long if given the chance, swapping drool notwithstanding. Even the ear biting part, it sounded so weird, but it certainly got the most intoxicating sounds out of his partners, low whimpers and breathy sighs that went straight to some secret pleasure center of his, grunts and moans that Benni wanted to hear over and over and over again.

There were also aspects to kissing that Benni hadn't even thought of beforehand, but that he came to appreciate very soon. Unlike he had originally thought, kissing was not only an action done with one's mouth, but the whole body could, and most definitely should, be put in use. Roaming hands, searching beneath his clothes for a flesh to tickle were just exhilarating. He definitely didn't mind a bit of an exploration himself either, looking for the soft curves to squeeze, to dig his fingers into, trying to get a touch of those parts that were kind of secret, forbidden.

Benni was of course aware of the concept of soulmates, but he didn't care too much of it. The whole thing sounded too out-of-the-world for him, too religious, something that his grandmother would preach him about. God has chosen your soulmate for you Benedikt, don't go desecrating Him by ignoring His choices. And think of the poor girl that is your soulmate, what is she going to do when she finds out that you haven't been faithful to her?

He knew he was too young to bond yet anyway, and why exactly should he stay pure and decent and innocent in the mean time, keep his hands pressed between his knees? How could he even be unfaithful to someone before he had met them? The way Benni saw it, as long as both parties of their experimental sessions agreed to it, he didn't think there was anything wrong with it.

Besides, what if his soulmate was ugly, or annoying, or they had a nasty habit of constantly picking their nose? Should Benni just take it without complains, because apparently God had decided that he deserved a pimple-faced nose picker? What if he wanted to decide himself who was the best life partner for him? He certainly wouldn't be the first one to do so, not all relationships were established on the grounds of soulmate bonds. Not everyone even had a soulmate, or met them during their lifetime. 

Yes, the colors were obviously there too to accompany the soulmate bond, but Benni wasn't so sure if they really were worth it. The world was just fine in gray.

He didn't have a girlfriend or boyfriend, at least not long lasting ones. Dating was sort of the down side of bonds, something that he only associated with soulmates. Right now he just wanted something casual, maybe go to see a movie every once in a while, but mostly he enjoyed the physical interactions the most. He was way too young to start anything more serious.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so so so sorry for the pause in updating last week! I'll do my best to keep up to the once a week -pace in the future. There might even be a little "minichapter" later this week, I'm not sure yet if I'll keep it the way it is now or if I'll incorporate it with the next one because yes, it's really really short. If you have opinions about this, let me know.

Mats met Hilke during the first week of his university studies and he immediately knew that this was it. His long wait was finally over. His soulmate had arrived to his life.

Hilke was everything that anyone could ever hope for in a soulmate. She had long, light hair, big, bright eyes and she always wore the widest of smiles on her face. She was sweet and kind and funny and her laughter could revive the dead. She was just downright perfect. Mats couldn't get his eyes off her, he couldn't stand the long minutes he didn't get to spend with her. 

And Hilke was just as infatuated by Mats as well. A classic case of love at first sight. It wasn't a shock to either of them when Hilke started seeing her first colors, rather they had anticipated it.

But what came afterwards was another thing.

***

”Do you see it too?”

”Yeah... I think so. Maybe a little hint of it?”

Hilke laughed brightly, a twinkle of tease in her gaze.

”It's all right, Matsi, you will get them too. And I guarantee that you will know for sure when you do.” Hilke's face spread into her adoring smile and really, who could feel anything even closely related to sadness in front of a sight like that? The frown of concentration on Mats' forehead smoothed down and the corners of his mouth started to tug upwards without his will.

”I know. It's just that I'd want to share this with you. I'd like that we could go through this together.” 

Mats knew it was a bit of an embarrassing confession to make, maybe a bit whiny too, so he flushed accordingly. But he really meant it. Somehow after meeting Hilke his own egoistic views had seized to exist and only _their_ combined views mattered anymore. What was the point of seeing colors if you could not share them with your soulmate? The gray world seemed so much duller when he knew he wasn't experiencing it the same way as Hilke.

”Oh, Matsi,” Hilke reached over the table, over the assembling of red and orange maple leaves that she was showing Mats, to prevent him from hiding behind his hands. ”It can't take that long for you to get the colors too. And by the time that happens they are still new for me too, I don't see all the colors yet. We're going to have a lot of new things to see together.”

”Yeah, I guess so,” Mats sighed, shuffled his legs.

”And I know so," Hilke chirped, pressed Mats' hand that she was still holding.

Mats stared at the beautiful eyes sending encouraging looks towards him. Right now they were still gray, but soon they would be blue, or maybe green, maybe some mix of the two, and Mats was sure that what ever it turned out to be, it would be his favourite color.

***

Mats ran to the door as soon as he heard some noise from it, but to his disappointment it was only Marco coming back home, nobody else trailing behind him.

”You didn't happen to see Hilke on your way here?”

”No, should I?” Marco asked, shrugging his jacket off and proceeding to the kitchen with his groceries, very much not seeing the concern and worry oozing from Mats.

”I don't know, she meant to come by earlier, but I haven't seen her all day and she's not answering her phone either.”

”Maybe she finally realised that it's not healthy to be attached by the hip 24/7,” Marco answered dryly, stacking the food to the fridge.

”Yeah, like you and Mario are any different,” Mats huffed. ”This is just so not like her, I fear something's happened to her.” 

”It's different with us, we only see each other during the holidays. We are love sick, you are creepy. And in all honesty, can you really say that something is not like her? You've known her for like three weeks.”

The following silence finally made Marco stop his chores and take a look back at Mats, standing in the kitchen doorway, looking smaller and more scared than anyone closing on two meters should. Marco took pity on him, came to pat him on his shoulder.

”It's probably nothing, Mats. Maybe she like, fell asleep and her phone is on mute. It happens to Mario all the time. No need to worry.”

”Yeah. Yeah, guess so, maybe you're right,” Mats said apprehensively, still worrying his bottom lip, kneading his hands. ”Maybe she has choir practise but she forgot to mention it to me.”

”That's probably it. And look at the bright side, now you can have a bro night with me! No chicks and dudes with plucked eyebrows allowed!” Marco flashed a ridiculously cheerful smile.

Mats just nodded. A little xbox was probably only good for him now. It would take his mind off from disturbing, blood-filled scenes of accidents and unexpected kidnaps. There was nothing wrong with Hilke. He would see her tomorrow again at school. She would apologise to Mats for forgetting to tell him that she was in a choir, and he would of course forgive her, and everything would be perfect again.

 

Mats released a huge sigh of relief when he saw Hilke coming to class the next morning. It was pretty soon replaced with puzzlement though, as she didn't come sit next to him like she used to. Mats tried to signal her but she didn't even look at his direction. And he couldn't go to her, as the professor had just entered the lecture room as well. Mats sat back, defeated, staring at Hilke's back the whole 90 minutes. When they were finally dismissed, after what felt like a life time, Hilke again disappeared to the hall without acknowledging Mats in any way. He leaped after her, only to stop dead on his track the second he saw what she was doing. Why she was acting the way she was.

She hadn't been in an accident, she hadn't been kidnapped, she hadn't suffered a sudden amnesia. It was something much, much worse.

She had met someone new. 

Mats stood there, in the middle of the university corridor, staring at Hilke sucking some guy like her life depended on it. Mats vaguely recognised him to be Hilke's neighbour, but why they were kissing was a mystery for him. 

”Hil-Hilke?”

Hearing her name, she ceased the overly public, overly affectionate display of tongue exercise and turned her head towards Mats. For some reason though she didn't act like she was caught doing something wrong. She stayed on the guy's embrace, keeping hold of him with both hands. She kept stealing looks with him, even if she was seemingly talking to Mats.

”Mats! You never guess what happened yesterday!”

Mats guessed it was probably something else than choir practise.

”I was on my way to your place, but I was running a bit late, so I was all over the place. I wasn't looking where I was going so I accidentally ran into Felix who came out of his apartment. And BOOM! He got colors, just like that. In our corridor. Can you believe it?”

So that's why he hadn't got colors yet. It wasn't any nonsense of him running on lag or anything. It was purely because Hilke wasn't his soulmate. He didn't have a soulmate at all. A chill ran over his back. Numbness started to creep into his limbs. 

”Isn't it amazing,” Hilke said to Felix, before melting into him again.

Mats could think of a few words to describe this situation, this feeling, but amazing was not on the list. He let out a restrained laugh and watched Hilke and Felix express their new bond because the didn't know what else to do.

His face hurt from smiling.

***

Mats had hope with every new person he met and liked that they would be his soulmate. He hoped and dreamed, no matter how many times he was let down and the colors didn't come. Each new person was a new chance, and Mats took all the chances he got.

After Hilke the most prominent candidate was Dominik. Mats had learned his lesson, he was more cautious with him. He didn't dive in head first and start naming their kids yet, but there was a definite spark between them. And Mats had immense hope for the possibility that he was one of those people to whom colors came slowly, over time, and not from the very first time he touched his soulmate. He knew that sometimes a mere touch wasn't enough to evoke the bond. Sometimes a more meaningful contact was needed, something that conveyed emotions as well. A kiss was a good option, but sometimes, in the rarest of cases, the colors didn't come before making love to one's soulmate. 

Dominik was without a doubt someone with whom Mats would try absolutely everything to get the colors. It wasn't a particularly difficult decision, either. Dominik pressing hard against him made all kinds of emotions churn in the pit of Mats' stomach, made him forget all about the colors and just concentrate on Dominik, the physical contact. 

Mats didn't really care if his soulmate was a woman or a man, they would be his soulmate at least, of course they would suit him, no matter what, but he definitely enjoyed casual encounters with men more. With them he could feel equal. He was a tall and heavily build man, most women just couldn't physically match him, he was always afraid of breaking them in some way, silly as it sounded. Crushing them beneath him. While standing he had to lean down to kiss them, while laying horizontal he couldn't possibly reach their mouths in any way.

With men he didn't have such problems, especially with Dominik. They were both about the same height, both strong and muscular, Mats wasn't afraid of using a little rough movements and force with him. He didn't have to worry about tugging Dominik's hair while he was down on his knees. He didn't think twice about pushing Dominik on the bed beneath him. Mats wasn't sure, but he might have even bitten Dominik a little at some point. It didn't matter.

He compensated his roughness afterwards, when they both got a bit more down from their height. Mats gathered Dominik into his arms and threw a blanket over the both of them. He pressed Dominik tightly close to him, and his eyes even more tightly close. He was afraid of how gray to world could be if he opened them, if he let go.

Come the next morning, Mats didn't remember how special it possibly could have been right away. He blinked a few times, rubbed his eyes to get the remains of sleep off, before the previous night came back to him in a flash. He stopped all his movements right away, a hand still covering his eyes. Had he seen something different?

”Morning, Mats,” a tired, rough voice came from the other side of the bed. Mats turned his head towards it but still refused to take the hand off his face.

”Is it, is it safe to watch?” he asked, fear and apprehension and hope all clearly audible.

There was a long pause before the answer came, with a sigh. ”My world is still the same.”

 

As much as they liked each other, Mats and Dominik agreed to stay only friends. Things would only get messier if they started dating and one of them would meet his soulmate in the meantime. Mats would do anything to avoid a new Hilke situation.

Mats claimed to the whole world that it was okay. He kept a rehearsed smile on his face, laughed at the times it was expected of him, went out with his friends and pretended he didn't want to be home alone instead. Hope was all he got, but he was getting tired of hoping. When weeks turned into months, when months turned into years, hope seemed more mocking than encouraging. It kept him from accepting his situation. Starting the adapting process.

Days hurled past in a gray blur, but Mats' heart had turned black and bitter.

***

”Again?!”

”But he's really nice, and handsome, and he has a great sense of humour, and –”

”And he might be the king of Sweden for all I care, I'm not going to another one of your blind dates anymore.”

”Benni, please! You need someone in your life too.”

Benni rolled his eyes at that. What he needed in life was friends who tried to meddle with it less. He had too much going on already, he just simply didn't have time for relationships. Let alone those stupid dates that Manu kept on setting for him where, surprise surprise, the promised Prince Charming proved to be anything but.

”Why do you care so much anyway?”

Manu had the decency to act embarrassed. ”Well, the thing is, he's a friend of Chris...”

”Oh my god. Chris wants to double date, doesn't he?”

If possible, Benni's accusations only made Manu even more uncomfortable, so Benni knew he had nailed it. Apparently it was not enough anymore that he needed to watch his best friend and his recently found soulmate act all lovey dovey at school, he needed to do that during his free time as well. He liked Chris, that wasn't the problem, he just wasn't a big fan of all the fluff pushed down his throat against his will.

”Try to see it from his point of view. We don't have any couple friends and he'd like so much to do things with other people too. It's just a bit awkward with singles,” Manu tried to plea him.

”Tell me about it,” Benni muttered under his breath. ”Why do you always need to set them up with me, though? I have tons of school work coming up in the next months and I just started that internship too. Sell him to Basti instead, I don't have the time.”

”Maybe I'm trying to do you a favour too. You focus way too much on work, you need to balance it out. Live a little.” Manu was starting to recover from the embarrassment and took to defensive. It was an ongoing dispute between them, that Benni was ignoring him, focusing only on his studies. 

”Tell me then, when I'm supposed to build my career if not now? I have a real shot for something meaningful with the internship. I can't let it slip if I ever want to be a judge.” If Benni had been annoyed about the possibility of a double date, it didn't even begin to compare to the anger he felt towards this subject. Manu was always complaining about this. Yes, Benni knew that he had his reasons, he was worried about Benni's well being too, but everyone on this business needed to work a lot. If he started slacking off he might just as well say goodbye to a decent career. And to Benni, a decent career weighted a lot more than going to double dates with Manu and Chris. 

”It's one date, Benni. How can one date, one little night out ruin your prestigious career?”

Both men glared at each other, crossed their arms, huffed a lot. In the end it was Benni who had to declare defeat. But only this once. Only for one date.

”Ugh, fine. What's his name?”

”Oh, thank you Benni!” Manu leaped up from his chair and came to smooch Benni on the forehead. ”His name is Peter, and I guarantee you will not regret this!”

"But you're paying!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the aforementioned minichapter... It kind of exploded :D Nothing really happens, but... I just needed to get the angst out of my system before we can move onto the next chapter, the first meeting!
> 
> And who's this Luke? Why, I'm glad you asked, I'm always willing to give lectures about him :D Lukas "Luke" Hradecky is apparently a big bird lover, as he is both an [eagle](http://spieledb.eintracht.de/spielerkader/lukashradecky) and an [eagle owl](http://www.palloliitto.fi/maajoukkueet/miesten-maajoukkue/pelaajat/lukas-hradecky). Apart from being an awesome bird, he also rocks as a human being. He truly is a ray of sunshine walking on this earth, always happy, always focusing on the positives, such a hard-working and down-to-earth guy with amazing sense of humour. And, a fact that cannot be missed, he is from the same area that I'm from and to hear him speak in tv with his dialect warms my heart immensely <3
> 
> Lukas Hradecky. Keep him in mind, he's going to achieve great things in this life.

Mats was 34 years old. He was the only one of his friends, associates, colleagues, relatives, random passers-by that didn't have a soulmate yet. He didn't know anyone who had reached this age and still not have colors. Most of his friends had been in steady relationships for a better part of a decade already. Some lucky bastards were closing on two decades. They were buying houses together, having kids, planning the color theme for their wedding. 

They were busy complaining about how the other one snored, always left their dirty dishes in the sink, didn't like the same movies, never ceased to keep their feet on the coffee table no matter how many times they were told not to. Simply, they were busy complaining about these smaller than non-existing problems and not appreciating what they already had. Not realising that someone would do absolutely anything to get what they had, annoying habits and flaws included.

Mats had, half jokingly or not, considered if he should take part in a support group. There he could talk with people who understood what he was going through. There he wouldn't have to face unhelpful advice and inconsiderate encouragements that his friends offered him. There he could maybe let out some of the frustration he felt when someone, for the umpteenth time, asked why he just didn't start dating someone, even if they were not his soulmate. If he was so desperate for a partner, why he was being so picky. It's not like everyone was in a relationship with their soulmate. Why he needed to have the colors too?

Like they knew anything what they were talking about. See if they were in his shoes, if they still thought that colors didn't matter. And he wasn't only crying after the colors, either. Dating was dating, you could certainly meet an interesting and loving person whose company you would enjoy immensely through it, but at the end of the day they were still just regular people. A soulmate was something beyond that. Someone that the universe, some all-knowing force had deemed to be the best possible match for him. Who wanted to quit searching that? 

Who wanted to think that maybe the all-knowing force hadn't thought him worthy of having a soulmate?

Mats knew that no one meant to be disrespectful with their comments, meant to cause him anger and sorrow, they were just in a territory that they had no experience about. So he smiled because it was polite to do so, it was expected of him, something else would be rude and the friendly enquirer would take it the wrong way.

But it didn't change the fact that sometimes he did get offended, maybe just because of the fact that he was the only one going through this. Sometimes the words just went straight to his heart, grasped it with an aching grip, squeezed ever tighter until it became hard to concentrate on anything but the pain. Sometimes he just wanted to scream his lungs out and perhaps even punch something, or someone. Shove the advice and questions to some place no one had ever been to. 

Mats had been so sure of finding his soulmate that he had even went and bought a heart pendant beforehand, one that could be snapped in two pieces and divided between soulmates. Marco and Mario had bought a similar one and the idea had been so endearing to Mats that he had wanted to replicate it too.

Of course it had been a little silly to buy a piece of jewelry for your soulmate before you even met them, but Mats had been fifteen, and in love with the idea of being in love. He had been naive and thought that everyone found their soulmates with no difficulties. He had wanted to be prepared.

Marco and Mario still wore their respective pieces on their necks every day, but Mats' own was buried deep inside his drawer. It still mocked him constantly though, reminded him how stupid he had been for daring to hope that there was someone in the world reserved just for him.

And the irony of his heart still being whole was not lost on Mats. True, no one was carrying a piece of it with them, but Mats was pretty sure that if he even had a heart anymore, if it hadn't dried out from the lack of use, it was in a million pieces, so small that it was purely impossible for someone to render it whole anymore. It had been drilled with holes, so many that there weren't enough plugs to fill them all.

***

Benni's life was not all bad. He had had to go through a lot, but it was getting better now. It was okay. A career in law hadn't worked out for him, but he had a nice little bookshop now. It was comfy and quiet, offered some challenges but nothing too demanding, nothing that he couldn't handle. And it didn't eat out all his free time and social life. No, it was easy enough and meaningful, he had a good clientele and opportunities to express himself the way he wanted to. He wasn't responsible to anyone but himself. He could wake up each morning and not hate the fact that he had to go to work.

His employees were a good company too, especially this twenty something bloke called Luke. He didn't seem to have a care in the world, always sporting a wide smile and a menacing sparkle in his eyes. He was the most happy-go-lucky person Benni had ever met, and it certainly offered him a fresh view on the world, a balance to his often gloomy thoughts. Luke never took any obstacles in a negative way, he simply chose to see the good in every situation and decided to focus on that. He hadn't bonded yet but he didn't seem to care, rather he was glad about it. He said it gave him the chance to enjoy his life, take the opportunities he wanted without having to consult anyone else. If he wanted to go out and party, he would. If he wanted to take a year off from work and go backpacking, he could. According to him he was too young to have a soulmate anyway, right now it was the time for him to live life to its fullest, he could think about such things later on.

Benni mostly enjoyed Luke's youthful philosophy, but he couldn't help but secretly roll his eyes for some of his statements every now and then. Kids, they were always so sure of themselves, they had always everything figured out. They just _knew_ that life would go the way they had planned. First they would see the world on their own and when they were ready, puff, magically they would meet their soulmate right on that instance. Benni really hoped it would prove to be true on Luke's case. But then again, it usually did.

Life outside of work was mainly good too. Not great, but good. He knew that there were people that were right now thinking that I told you so. His friends wouldn't be that intolerant, he had better standards when it came to choosing the people he shared his life with, but they were people that he had to be around with without his own choosing. Old neighbours, conservative relatives, so on. They thought that Benedikt had no right to be sad, it had been his own choice to start a serious relationship with a person that was not his soulmate, this happening had been a major risk that Benedikt had opted to ignore. Now he had to pay the price for it.

For a long time his friends had acted very cautious around him, tiptoed and avoided talking about anything that could potentially lead up to the break-up. Like he was some fragile thing that needed to be protected, that couldn't handle the miseries of real life. Yes he felt bad about Peter. Yes he felt bad about not meeting his soulmate yet. Yes he felt a bang of jealousy, bitterness when someone else was happy. But it didn't mean he wanted to be left out of his friends' lives.

He wanted to open up to someone, to unravel his bad feelings so he could start the healing process. The problem was that no one wanted to talk to him about this, either from the fear of taking the subject up because it was so sensitive, or maybe because the whole thing was such a big taboo. Benni was left on his own, to the company of his swirling thoughts. Of course he knew that he could initiate the conversation too, in fact he should do it and not lock everything up, but it was so hard to start talking about it when his friends were all talking about some unimportant nonsense. 'Hey, did you see the game yesterday? - Actually no, I was too busy crying my eyes out.'

He needed to act strong and unaffected on the outside, because people thought that he was not allowed to feel bad about the situation. He had known the risks and still started a relationship with someone that wasn't his soulmate. He was not allowed to say he was bitter about his situation, that he felt jealous of people who found their soulmates easily because that would make him a horrible person. Benni didn't think he was a horrible person. He didn't want to be a horrible person. He just wanted to be happy, but this whole thing had become such a big mess that he didn't know what was up and what was down anymore.

Wasn't he allowed to feel bad about his situation, wasn't he allowed to be sad?

He heard multiple stories from different people about how they had found their soulmates in the most unusual of times and places, when they had already given up on hope, after years of looking. True, they were meant as encouragement, of sign to keep on going, reminding him that the universe sometimes had the weirdest ways of working, surprising us, but he usually just took them as bragging. He knew that they were never told in that sense, but he couldn't help it. This prolonged search and bad mood had twisted his feelings. He didn't like himself very much at times like that.

Dark thoughts feed on dark thoughts, it's a vicious cycle that keeps on revolving around itself. They twist the person to someone that he is not, to a selfish, arrogant, bitter being, incapable of seeing any kind of happiness around him. Full of black, no other colors to be found. 

But time heals a lot of things. The dark clouds on top of him evaporated, gave way to thin threads of light. Eventually his friends could talk more openly around him too. Poor Chris still wasn't always sure how the behave around Benni, but he didn't blurt out any weird comments as nearly as often anymore. There was a big, empty space opposite of him when they went to dinners, but in less formal occasions you couldn't really even notice that something was missing. The topics that his friends discussed about weren't usually something that he could take part in but at least he got to experience other people's happiness. Most days he was genuinely grateful for that, he was happy for them.

Benni worked on the thought that he was going to be alone for the rest of his life. He could continue the search for a partner, but he didn't really see the point of it. He couldn't think of anything so great that a partner, soulmate or not, could bring into his life that would make all the future disappointments worth it. 

But that was okay. It was going to be okay. One day.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The colors, Mats' POV.

Mats stood at the school yard, unable to suppress the stupid grin plastered on his face. It was his favourite day of the year, and it was all he could do to not start jumping up and down. He had waited this for three years, but here the anticipated day was at last – the first day of school, the day when he would meet his new first-graders. He loved teaching, every single part of it, but there was just that extra something when it came to teaching first-graders. He would get to see and experience so much of the most significant events of their lives. He would be the one who would teach them to read. He would be the one to teach them to count. He would be the one to guide them to the endless world of knowledge. He would be there to comfort them when the transition from a kindergartner to a pupil would prove to be too much to handle. Mats didn't have children of his own but this was definitely the next best thing.

He stood there in front of the school doors, greeted eagerly all the parents escorting their children, smiled encouragingly to the kids, some of them terrified, some of them shy, some of them excited, all of them so small. He showed them the way to the classroom, decorated with pennants and banners, welcoming the kids, shouting out the remarkableness of the day. 

After everyone had arrived and taken their share of pictures, Mats introduced himself and gave a short overview of their syllabus, told the kids but mostly the parents what they should expect of this year, how to behave in school, what kind of homework he would be giving and how the parents could be in contact with Mats if problems occurred. Before he sent the parents on their way, he asked every child to introduce themselves as well. Mats gathered it would be good to give them the final encouragement in the shape of their parents' presence. They could draw comfort from the fact that they had already spoken aloud in class and hadn't died of it, so maybe they could dare to do it again.

After sharing the last hugs, getting the last pictures and waving goodbyes, it was time to start working. Mats was a firm believer of soft landings, so they wouldn't be doing any real work during the first day. The very first thing they did was to make name tents for everyone to put on their desks. Mats had provided them with colorful papers (even though they couldn't see them, most children still preferred certain colors over others), a variety of pens and stickers, scissors with decorative edges, all sorts of imaginable things that could come in handy when the kids got creative. Mats made his own name tent as well, he liked to be called by his first name instead of the stiff and formal 'Mr. Hummels'. Most of his time was dedicated to the kids though, helping them to use the scissors safely, making sure that everyone got their share of stickers, reminding them which way the N was supposed to be written.

After the name tents were done it was time to play games, get to know one another. The rest of the day went on in a similar manner, Mats wanting to give the kids an easy start, assuring them that school was mostly a fun place and that they should look forward to coming to it tomorrow and the day after that and next week and after five years.

His absolute favourite part was still to come though: giving the kids their ABC books. Most of the books they would be using were the property of the school, but the ABC books would be their very own. Mats wasn't sure who was the most excited out of them, he or the kids. He had even volunteered to get the books from the local book shop. The look on the kids' faces was indescribable when Mats handed them the books and told them that they would start working on them tomorrow, some kind of mixture of awe, ardor, affection, amazement. The little hands clutched the books tightly, browsed through the pages carefully, traced the letters and words that were still mostly foreign to them.

It was rather hard to get the bubbling excitement in the classroom to calm down, but there was one thing more that Mats wanted to do before calling it a day. Besides the ABC books, Mats had bought a story book also. To him it was the perfect way to end a day, sit back, relax, listen to a nice story. The kids who could already read or were quick learners could also have their turn in reading to the class. 

He had had a bit of trouble deciding on which story book to pick up, but the staff member in the bookstore had been more than keen on helping him and together they had ended up on Pippi Longstocking. The main character was a girl so girls would like it, but she was a tomboy rather than a princess, so boys would have no trouble of relating to the story too. The language was fairly easy for kids to read and the subjects that the story addressed were not too childish anymore, but still handled them on a level that kids had no trouble to understand.

Mats read for a while before the bell rang and he released the bundles of joy back to the arms of their parents. He watched the happy reunions with a rather wistful expression. It had been a happy day, sure, but now when the kids were going back home with their families, he would go home alone. He had no one to tell about his first day, he had no one to wait to come back from work or school. 

Mats watched the kids go and wondered when he would get to experience this day from the other point of view. When he would have someone that wanted to hear about his day.

***

The next morning wasn't like all the rest. Mats woke up, took a quick shower, ate a small breakfast, brushed his teeth like on any other day, but there was just something amiss. He couldn't pinpoint what it was, but definitely something was out of the ordinary. It itched in the back of his mind, sort of mocked him, hiding away but always reminding Mats of its presence whenever he was about to forget it.

With an annoyed frown, Mats walked in to his closet to dress up. Only he didn't actually get as far as dressing. He got stuck in the doorway, staring into the closet. He finally knew what was so different about this day. There, in the middle of his shirt rack filled with white dress shirts was a shirt that was not white. It wasn't even gray. It was something _else_.

Mats' brain processed this information. He didn't have dress shirts that were 'something else'. He only bought white ones, because then he could be sure of what they really looked like. That's why his first conclusion was that he'd gone crazy. It seemed only logical. Then, with a sudden jolt, Mats realised that Mario had bought him a shirt once, stating that the color of that particular shirt suited Mats very well.

Mats panicked, cold sweat rose to his neck. The shirt was not something else, it was _color_. He was seeing it. The panic took over and Mats ran across the house to inspect if he was seeing the same thing somewhere else too. He had been very minimalist with his interior design, focusing on black and white but still, now that he knew what to look for, there were other glimpses of _color_ too.

This was not happening. This was not real.

Next thing, Mats stormed into his study, started rummaging through his desk and all his binders. He had carried his mother's color book with him wherever he went, he had printed out multiple different color charts over the years, but now he didn't seem to find them anywhere. Had he threw them out in some dark moment, as a first step in the long path of accepting his faith? Had he not unpacked them after moving? Had Marco secretly burned them all?

Mats didn't know what else to do than call for help.

”Marco, hey, morning, how's it going. I need you to send me color charts. Now. Both in gray scale and in color. Email them to me right now. Thank you.”

There was a perplexed silence on the line before Mats finally heard a scoff and Marco's drowsy voice.

”For the last time Mats, coffee is black. Black is the same in gray scale and in color, there's no difference to it whether you've got the colors or not.”

”I'm not talking about the coffee! It's real this time, I can feel it.”

”I'm fairly certain you've said the exact same words about a dozen times,” Marco answered, already bored of this conversation.

”No Marco, I mean it.” Mats was getting antsy, pacing around his apartment still wearing only his bathrobe. He needed the charts, now. He needed to be sure before going to work.

”I can only see one color well, at least I think I am, but then there's this... vibration in my sight. Like something lurking in my peripheral vision, but when I turn my eyes on it it's gone. But then it comes back after a while, staying there on the edge, twinkling and twirling, like mocking me. A-ha, can't see us yet. This must be it, Marco!” 

Mats might have cried wolf for too many times, but this time it was actually different. He wasn't hoping or expecting this to happen, it just did, without Mats asking for it. Why couldn't Marco understand this, act seriously?

”That, or you've finally lost the last shred of your mind.”

”Marco!”

”Fine, fine. What color do you think you see?” Marco asked routinely.

”How should I know, it's not like I've seen it before and know what it looks like!” 

”Well, what objects do you see in color?” Mats could practically hear Marco roll his eyes, but at least he hadn't hung up yet. That was a victory.

”I don't know, it's just small glimpses, really. Still mixing with the grey. Really light, I don't know if they're supposed to be like that. There was some on my toothpaste. And in the milk carton. Oh, and the shirt that Mario gave me, that was a really flattering color for me, according to him.”

”Really?”

”Yes really,” Mats whispered. His panic started to take a different form, from fervour and restlessness to cold sweat and shivers running through his spine. Mats sat down on the floor, wrapped his arms around his legs.

”It's not your hair that's gone color? Or your tv? Car, phone, glasses?”

”No. Just the shirt.”

”Holy shit. Holy shit. Are you for real? Are you really seeing colors?” Marco got more frantic too, perhaps actually starting to believe Mats.

”Yes, I told you!”

”But who's the soulmate then?” Marco asked puzzled.

”I don't know! I didn't see anything before this morning, and I touched so many people yesterday. All the parents of the new kids I'm teaching,” Mats presses his eyes shut, started rocking himself.

”Oh...” Marco drawled, low and silent.

”Yeah,” Mats grimaced.

”You know, it's not necessarily that bad. The kid can maybe change classes? I mean, it's only been one day so far, it's not like it's a huge change for anyone.”

”Yeah, maybe. I don't know. This is such a mess. I'm going to be a step-dad. What if I'm a home breaker?” Mats hid his face behind his palm. Everything was going wrong. He had spent the last thirty years hoping for the colors to come and now when they did, it was totally the wrong time. It was totally for the wrong person.

”Hey, don't be like that. You always wanted to have kids, right?” Despite the encouraging words, Marco didn't sound too convincing. He struggled to find something more to say, something meaningful, but ended up in a platitude. ”At least you're seeing colors.”

”Correction, I'm seeing _a_ color.”

”But the rest will follow soon. Hey, you've waited for this for your whole life! Try to be a little more happy about it! It's your soulmate, Mats.”

Mats couldn't help but let out a short laugh at Marco's meek attempts of consolation. ”I guess.” A smile was forming on his face. A soulmate. _His_ soulmate. Maybe everything would turn out for the best. It was the universe after all, it couldn't screw up things too badly.

”Yeah, your soulmate, think about that. Oh, yeah, and I believe the color you're seeing is blue. Some lighter shade of it, maybe sky, I don't know, I'm not that good with the different shade names, never understood what's the fuss about them.”

”Sky blue?” Mats stood and walked to the window, more confused than ever. ”But I still see the sky as grey?” 

”That's because it's raining now, you nitwit. It's supposed to be grey.”

”Oh.”

Marco snorted. ”I'll send you the charts. I'll add in some specific charts about blue too, so you can figure out which shades of it you see.”

"Thanks mate."

Mats didn't have a color printer at home, for obvious reasons, and he didn't dare to use the one at work to print out something like this, so he simply sat before his laptop and compared the charts Marco sent him from the screen. The bigger chart displaying all the possible colors wasn't very revealing for him, but the one in only blue showed a striking difference when Mats compared them in gray scale and in color. He was definitely seeing color, blue, no question about it.

No matter how much the thought terrified him, with all the possible cringe-worthy outcomes it could come with, it was actually rather thrilling to see colors. Mats spent the whole way to work comparing the blue chart Marco had sent him to different objects he saw in color. He had done some quick googling too to figure out the specific name of the shades he saw and it turned out that for once in his life Marco was actually right, one of the colors Mats was seeing was called sky blue. The rest of them were other variants of it, with just slight difference, but oh if they were not the most fascinating thing Mats had ever witnessed. Maya blue, baby blue, powder blue, celeste, aquamarine, pale cornflower blue... It was amazing. Wonderful. Fantastic.

He couldn't believe that Marco didn't understand 'the fuss' about different shade variations. It was more fascinating than Mats could have ever imagined. He almost missed his bus stop because he was busy trying to decide which one of the shades the stripes in his seat was. He was definitely beginning to see the brighter side of this whole thing. 

Now it was only the matter of finding the person who gave him the colors.

***

As absentminded as Mats had been during his morning and the commute, he snapped out of it once he stepped inside the school gates. He needed to figure out if someone of the parents was suddenly seeing colors now, unlike yesterday. He knew that not all of his pupils had two parents, at least not in a legal sense, but he really couldn't exclude anyone. Not everyone married their soulmates. If Mats had been less of a hopeless romantic, he might have married some nice girl too.

But none of the parents escorting their kids to school acted suspicious, in a way that would have caught Mats' eye, made him think that there was something amiss. This search might prove to be very difficult indeed. Mats took a deep breath and tried to get the thought out of his head. He had kids to look after. He had alphabets and sums and common birds and xylophones to teach to young open minds. He could take a panicking slash planning session with Marco and Mario _after_ work.

Mats put a teaching face on and set to work. He had full on decided to survive from this day without thinking about anything that even remotely resembled colors, but it seemed to be futile. After what must have been only ten minutes, one of the kids raised his hand to interrupt his teaching.

”Yes Erik, do you have a question?”

The little boy hesitantly lowered his hand and seemed to go through some sort of burst of shyness, before finally being able to open his mouth, timidly ask: ”What color is Julian's shirt?”

Mats got confused. He shifted his eyes from Erik to Julian, sitting in front of him, in his very much gray shirt. 

”I, I don't know Erik. I don't see colors.”

Hearing this confession, Erik, along with many of his classmates, looked rather baffled. But then again, they were seven, they most likely thought that all the adults could see colors. Mats was almost ashamed of himself, even more so because he was letting the unrealistic expectations of first-graders get the better of him.

In the midst of joined confusion, Julian raised his hand. ”Teacher, mummy told me my shirt is blue.”

Mats went pale from terror. All strength seemed to leave him, he had to sit down. He breathed in, he breathed out. He closed his eyes for a second and forces his face to form a smile.

”Erik, could you come here please? I have some pictures to show you.”

Erik obediently rose from his desk and Mats fished out his phone and searched the charts Marco had sent him earlier. His hands were trembling.

”Okay, there are two pictures here. Tell me if you see any difference between them.”

Erik studied the pictures carefully, with all the mustered concentration of a seven-year-old, tongue peeking between his lips, eyebrows furrowing deeply below the tangled bangs. He gingerly took the device to his hands to be able to see the screen from closer range and swapped his tiny finger up and down to compare the two images. After some serious contemplating, he pointed one part of the image with color to his teacher.

”This is different than in the first picture.”

”Yeah? Does it look the same as Julian's shirt?”

Erik made a quick glance at his classmate's direction and then eagerly returned to nod to Mats.

Mats was ready to pass out. He had not bonded with a parent of his pupil like he had originally feared, thinking that it was the worst imaginable thing. No, instead he had bonded with a pupil. It couldn't be a coincidence that both of them were seeing colors today, even the same color if Julian was right. Mats couldn't see the shades that Erik saw, so it must have been a darker blue, but blue nonetheless.

His soulmate was seven years old. Even though Mats was an elementary school teacher, it took him embarrassingly long to count that they had a 27 year age difference. It would be another nine years before Mats was even legally allowed to touch him. He would be 45 by the time that Erik was allowed to get married.

”Okay Erik, thank you. You can return to your seat now, but come back to talk to me when the recess starts, okay?”

This. Was. Bad.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The colors, Benni's POV.

Benni liked to keep an air of not disturbing his customers at the shop. Many people just wanted to come in, wander between the shelves, look for something interesting without anything special on their mind. And Benni wanted to grant them that. He had even set up a small lounge on the shop, where people could sit and read a chapter or two of the books before making a decision of buying them. In that sense he felt his shop was more like a library. When people wanted help, they could always come to the staff and ask for it, of course, but he didn't usually initiate his help.

This particular customer was an exception though. He was in a clear need of advice. He was standing alone in the color books section, having pulled out about a dozen volumes and flipping through them all, comparing them to each other. That wasn't something that Benni was used to see. People only ever went to the color books in pairs, eyeing their content and each other in awe. They never looked for more than just one book, obviously finding that one already engaging enough, so amazing that they almost forgot that they needed to buy it too.

This man was very much alone, and he had a big frown on his face. He wasn't pleased with any of the books, eyeing through one, squinting at it even and then tossing it aside before pulling yet another one from the shelf and repeating the process.

Benni approached him carefully. ”Can I help you?”

The man turned to look at Benni, half amazed that someone had talked to him.

”Uhm, yes. I was wondering if you could tell me which one of these has the most accurate color descriptions compared to real life? Or which one has the most comprehensive variation of different colors? I'd also be interested in finding something that has names for as many a shade as possible, not just codes. Oh and I'd also like to know about color theories as well, if there is any research about how people acquire their colors in relation to their soulmates and what defines the speed of the colors coming and what might be the reasons behind of not getting all the colors at once.”

Benni felt himself stun for a second in front of the ongoing bombard of questions and demands.

”Uh, unfortunately we only have very few volumes dedicated purely for the science behind colors and they too are quite basic really, they don't go very deep into the theories, and one of them is aimed for children. As for the color chart books, um, I'm afraid I can't help you with them. I don't have colors myself,” Benni stuttered. He hated admitting it to people, even if they were complete strangers whom he would never see again. He knew it wasn't, but still he felt it was something shameful, that he needed to be embarrassed of. At least the customer had the decency to lower his gaze to the floor, as if he had understood that he had hit a sore spot.

”I could go get another staff member here to help you.”

”No, there's no need.” The customer leaped after him, even if he had only taken one step backwards, reached for him with his free hand. Benni was certain he had never seen anyone so desperate. ”I'll take them all. And the science book for children as well.”

Benni was good enough at his job to not let his eyes bulge out of their sockets. 

”Would you be interested in our regular customer discount program? You'll get a ten percent discount from every tenth book you buy.”

”Yes please,” the customer nodded timidly. 

”Alright then, let's get these books to the counter. Luke! Bring the children's color science book to me, will you?” 

Benni grabbed as many of the books that were laying around as he could and proceeded to the check-out. The customer followed behind with another armful of books and Luke came last to provide the cherry on the top of the pile. Benni dutifully ran the books through the register, gave the discount that the customer was due, packed all of his purchases in bags and wished him a good day with a polite smile. Only after the hapless man had disappeared through the shop door did he give himself permission to sigh and lean to the counter, astonished. Luke mimicked him.

”What was that about?”

Benni shook his head. ”Wish I knew. That was certainly one of a kind.”

”Dude looked like he had run out of a nuthouse.”

”Luke, don't talk like that about our loyal customers. I think I recognise him, he's an elementary school teacher. He was here a couple of days ago, buying books for his pupils.”

Luke snorted. ”That explains it then. I'd be a madman too if I had to spend an entire day with thirty elementary school kids.”

”Ha ha. Go do something useful and organise the color book section again,” Benni ordered. 

”Yes, sir!” Luke saluted.

Benni stayed at the counter, huffing at Luke's antics but still keeping a worried look to the door. The event had without a doubt been extraordinary, and the man hadn't looked too alright, but there was nothing he could do about it really. He just sold books, it wasn't his responsibility to go and ask if his customers were feeling well. Whatever it was that had caused the man, who had seemed perfectly normal just days ago, act like this, Benni hoped there was someone that could help him overcome it.

 

The rest of the evening was quiet and uneventful, and Benni sent Luke home early. It was quicker to close the store when there were two people to do it, but Benni preferred to do it alone. He might have been a bit of a control freak, he wanted that everything was done just the way he liked. Plus there was no point in denying that he enjoyed to spend his time in the shop like this, all alone, most of the lights already out. He'd organise the shelves, wipe the floor, bin the old newspapers, just admire that all this was really his.

Owning a bookstore had not been something that he had ever dreamed about. He liked books, sure, maybe more than most people, he was definitely a major nerd, but this was something he had done purely out of a whim. One day he had just seen an ad that an old entrepreneur was selling his business because he wanted to retire. After reading the ad Benni had immediately left his office, rushed to Manu and Chris to ask for a loan and called the old man. The next day he was already signing papers, figuring out new business plans and designing the decorative changes he would do in the store.

He had been working here little over a year now and he found himself liking it more and more everyday. Even Manu had had to admit that the change had been good on Benni. More than good, really. The personal progress that Benni had gone through over the year was phenomenal.

Yes, he had been running away from his past, yes he had taken drastic measures to do it, but in the end it had all turned out perfectly. Benni was pretty sure that that haste decision to buy a bookshop had been the best one he had ever made.

With a wistful smile Benni finished cleaning up and went to count the day's register. He didn't get very far though, because he got sidetracked by the notes. Instead of the usual numbers, his attention was caught by something else. It wasn't only the numbers that separated the notes from one another. 

They were different colored as well. 

Benni picked up one of each different note, five and ten and twenty and fifty, and spread them on the counter before him. They were almost like he had always seen them, but not quite. In the midst of the gray, he was definitely seeing specks of color as well.

Benni lifted his gaze and looked around him. He had turned off most of the lights so he wasn't seeing much of anything, but maybe the lights that still were on were not only gray? Perhaps there was something, something warmer too? 

From the lights Benni turned his eyes to the section he had already visited once before today. If books could talk, these were very much shouting for him right now. Very cautiously, gingerly, haltingly he stepped away from behind the counter and started apprehensively walking towards the remote corner of his shop. Step by step it came closer and Benni could not stop himself. He pulled out a random book from the shelf in front of him and opened the first page. 

He almost had to shut it down again immediately. Even in the dim lighting, even if he wasn't still seeing everything that there most likely was to see, all the colors popping before his eyes were almost too much. He wasn't accustomed to seeing anything like it. Benni took a peek of another page as well and again the display of little specks and sparkles of color was overwhelming.

But they were fascinating too. Benni left the book there and wandered to the art supply section. He picked up the first set of paints he found. He had never been much of an artist, the lack of colors was kind of a hindrance in that area as well, but he wanted to see the colors in something more real than just boxes in a color chart. He needed something concrete, vivid.

Along with the paints, Benni took paper and brushes and carried everything to the backroom. He filled his coffee mug with water and sat down to the little table they had there, spreading the clean paper before him. With the utmost care he dipped one of the brushes to the mug, just the tip of it, and proceeded to swirl it in the pan labeled 'cadmium yellow'. The brush slowly turned 'cadmium yellow' too and Benni moved it on top of the paper. He didn't dare to lower it, to actually touch the paper with the brush. 

Benni closed his eyes, breathed in, breathed out, and swung the brush across the whole paper, as quickly as he could so he wouldn't have time to hesitate. 

He opened his eyes again to find a bright, bold line of color. Of cadmium yellow. It was beautiful.

He dipped the brush in water again and painted a line of 'cinnabar' next to the yellow, and a line of 'ultramarine' across them both. He stayed in the backroom of his store for who knows how long, letting the brush dance on the paper on its own accord, revealing the secrets of color for him. He watched in awe as the colors he used changed into new ones when they mixed with each other, how they slowly covered all the white areas. At some point he fetched a color chart next to him and tried to identify the ordinary names for the colors instead of the artistic ones. Cinnabar was red, and it mixed with yellow formed orange. Ultramarine, or blue, and yellow made green. And the pans where pretty much dark brown by the time he finished his little artistic moment.

Benni found himself to be exhausted. It had been quite a day indeed, and he still needed to get home. He didn't live in the same city as the store was in, it had been one of the most important reasons why he had originally thought buying it was so ideal for him. Usually the travel between two cities didn't bother him, but right now he was more tempted to just sleep on one of the couches in the store than driving almost an hour to his home.

But Benni was nothing if not extremely conscious of his looks. He'd rather do anything else than come to work wearing a wrinkly shirt from yesterday and a day-old stubble, his hair sticking to all imaginable directions. Not to mention that Luke was working with him tomorrow too, there would be no end to his banters if he saw Benni in that state.

So he grabbed his keys, turned off the rest of the lights and decided to finish counting the register on the next morning.

***

”Morning Mister Boss Man.”

”Morning Luke.”

"How was your evening yesterday?"

"It was good."

"I noticed you didn't count the register."

"Yeah, I got so tired. Wanted to go home early."

"Mhm. So a normal day."

"Exactly."

”There's nothing you want to share with me?”

Benni frowned in confusion at Luke and his unusual inquiries. ”Uh, no, I don't think so? Am I supposed to?”

”I'ts just that I found this... painting from the backroom,” Luke felt the need to do quotation marks around painting.

Benni sucked in a breath. He had totally completely utterly forgotten to clean up after his mess in the backroom. He had not meant anyone, especially his quirky, sarcasm-inclined employee, to know he had got colors. He needed to process it thoroughly himself before revealing it to the world.

”I was, I was testing our art supplies. If we might need better ones,” Benni rubbed his neck.

”Were you testing our color books too, see if we need better ones for the teacher gone loco?” Luke produced the color chart Benni had used from behind his back and waved it before Benni's face.

He snatched the book from Luke, his head hot both from anger and embarrassment. ”Fine. I got colors yesterday. Happy?”

”But dude! Benni! Elaborate, who was it, what happened?”

Benni stopped scorning and started to think. Who _had_ it been? Seeing the colors had struck him too hard, he hadn't even considered that usually they came together with a soulmate. As far as he knew he had been alone when he had started seeing them. Maybe his soulmate was one of his customers then. So only dozens of options, none of which he knew by name. No biggie.

He staggered to the couches, slumped down on one of them. He was someone's soulmate. He had a soulmate, somewhere, out there. This was huge, bigger than the colors. His mind couldn't take it all in. He silently whispered the word, tasted it, fumbled over the unfamiliar sounds. The whole concept was so alien for him. He had thought it would never happen to him, not in a million years.

Benni desperately looked at Luke for help. ”I think I have a soulmate.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now the fun, finally, begins!

The next morning, Mats concluded that the cucumber slices he put on his breakfast sandwich were spring green. He wasn't even surprised when Erik turned up to school sporting a bright green shirt. He vividly told the whole class about his shirt, how it was the same color as his pet frog and the plants inside their classroom, and they all listened with their mouths hanging open, sharing his enthusiasm.

At least someone was happy about this situation. Mats had of course told Erik's parents about their son and they had been a bit worried about his future, how the fact that he had found his soulmate at such a young age would affect him later on. Mats thought that they had enough on their minds already, he didn't need to bring out the insignificant fact that actually _he_ was Erik's soulmate. He would take his future mother-in-law's scolding later on.

But what did surprise Mats, completely and utterly, made him forget how to function properly, was how Julian started to speak after Erik, telling how he had started seeing colors too yesterday. Mats didn't know how he should take the revelation, if Julian was just jealous of Erik and making up the colors he saw, or if he was really telling the truth. 

”Are you my soulmate then Julian? Mommy said I have a soulmate because I see colors.”

”I don't know,” the other boy shrugged. ”How can you tell?”

”We need to touch each other and if there's more colors after that, then it's true,” Erik explained.

”Or you can kiss!” one of the girls yelled, making the whole class giggle.

”Eww! I don't want to kiss anyone!” Julian clapped his hands before his mouth.

Someone started to chant the k-i-s-s-i-n-g song.

”Now now, calm down, there's no need for kisses right now,” Mats had found his voice again, in fear of the whole class starting to play kiss chase if he didn't intervene. ”Julian, Erik, we'll talk about this soulmate thing more during the recess. Now, let's continue with the lesson.”

Mats silently shook his head. Way to turn the knife, universe. A bunch of first-graders bonding was just what he needed right now. He was surprised that he was a tiny bit sad also. There went his only choice that he had for a soulmate, even if he had been a horrible option in every possible level. One was still better than zero.

***

Mats started to think that maybe he finally should call Marco for help. He had been too much in a panic two days ago to do it, and too bitter yesterday about Erik and Julian. He had just sent Marco a text about wanting to think about this all alone, and to please not to say anything to Mario yet. He was lovely and all, but Mats could not handle his enthusiasm right now. To which Marco, the ever so considerate and ah, so funny friend of his had replied by saying that he would keep Mario out of the blue.

He was just completely loss now. If Erik wasn't his soulmate, and none of the parents of his kids either, then who was it? It could essentially be absolutely anyone, from the random guy he had grazed on the street to someone he had met a month ago. If the colors didn't come right away, how the hell was he supposed to know for sure? Clearly his colors had nothing to do with the actual, physical contact, unless he was soulmates with some random weirdo who crept into his bedroom every night.

Mats had once been an avid soulmate studies enthusiast, reading all the information of the topic that there was available, but he hadn't kept up with the current findings for years. Maybe there had been some major breakthrough while he had avoided the subject? Maybe there were now new methods to determinate the identity of one's soulmate? 

When he thought about it more thoroughly, Marco didn't seem the best candidate to help him anymore. He needed someone who had experience about this. He needed cold hard, solid facts. He needed books. The bookstore he had been this week had a nice selection of color charts, maybe they would be equally well provided on soulmate books as well. Plus the staff there surely thought him to be a bit crazy already, he might just as well embrace it.

***

Mats repeated his earlier actions, walking to the right section and starting to pull out books that looked interesting to him. It didn't take long until there was a staff member behind him.

”Can I help you with something?”

”I think I want to buy all of your books about soulmates too,” Mats stuttered bashfully. This had sounded so foolproof at home, but really, it was kind of embarrassing. Fortunately for him the young man didn't seem to think the same.

”Okay, let me help you with carrying,” he stated friendly, started to stack up the books into his arms. ”Can I ask what you're going to do with all these books? Are you doing research or is this just a hobby or?”

”I just, I'm,” Mats shuffled his feet around. ”I got colors a few days ago and I'm just so confused. And yeah. This is all so new to me. I don't even know who my soulmate is.” He was apparently in the state of despair where he started to spill out all his worries out to anyone who was even remotely interested in listening. Mats would have hit himself mentally, if the boy helping him didn't answer him in the most unexpected way.

”Huh. My boss got his colors too two days ago. He doesn't know his soulmate either,” the guy stated matter-of-factly.

”Re-really?” Mats turned to the counter where a tall man, the one who had helped him the previous times, was serving another customer. 

”Is he your boss?” Mats pointed and asked.

”Yes.”

”And he got his colors two days ago?”

”Yes.”

”I was here two days ago.”

The guy sneered, never stopping the task of piling up books. ”I remember.”

”Do you think that... we... could be...” Mats pressed the one book in his arms closer to his chest.

”Sounds like a possibility to me.” Mats received an encouraging smile.

”Come on, let's get these books on the counter and introduce you guys officially.”

***

”Benni! I found your soulmate, can I get a bonus now?”

Wh-what? Benni turned to Luke in confusion, saw that he was followed by the 'teacher gone loco', who was apparently once again buying books for the whole village.

”You remember the teacher, surely. He just revealed to me that he's been seeing colors for a few days now, but he doesn't have a slightest idea about who his soulmate might be.”

Benni turned his eyes to the nervously smiling dark man who was half lurking behind Luke. Benni didn't know what to say either.

Luke though took his role as a self-appointed cupid very seriously. ”Benedikt here got his colors two days ago, like I said, on the day you were here the last time. When did you get yours?”

”Um, two days ago too. But I was already seeing them before I came here. I first noticed them when I woke up. Maybe it was because I was here earlier as well, picking up the ABC books?”

Benni nodded. Could be.

The teacher suddenly sprinted forward. ”Can I like, maybe touch you?” Without waiting for a reply, he was already gingerly lifting his hand. Benni slid his own closer to him across the counter. The man touched him very cautiously, tenderly, then tapped few times, then let his hand rest on top of Benni's for a longer time.

”Is something happening?” There was a whit of hope in his voice. Benni almost hated to break it.

”No, no I don't think so, sorry. But the colors didn't come right away last time either. I don't think we can draw conclusions from this.” The man looked at him, gratitude shining from his eyes because of the small words.

”Tell you what,” Luke interrupted them. ”There's a nice little cafe just around the corner. What if you two go and exploit it, get to know each other a little and figure this thing out. It's not too busy here at this time of the day anymore, I can manage on my own for the rest of the day.”

Benni looked at the teacher, meeting confusion that he believed matched his own, and looked at Luke, who didn't seem to have a care in the world.

”Yeah, okay. You free tonight?” Benni asked from the man, the soulmate-candidate, who nodded, once and twice and three times.

”Okay. Okay. Let me just grab my things and I'll be right with you.” 

Benni turned around and started towards the backroom to fetch his jacket and backpack. He heard a timid ”Can I still buy the books, please?” behind him.

***

Benni stood in front of the coffee house's counter, inspecting their menu. Next to him an equally stunned man was doing the same.

This was without a doubt a clear candidate for his top 5 most confusing moments in his life ever.

”What'll you have? I can buy.”

”No, no, I can pay.”

”Nonsense, business has been good lately, I can afford to buy you a coffee,” Benni winked and was glad to notice that at least this man knew how to laugh at himself. That was a good sign, he appreciated that in a person.

”I'll have a latte, please.”

Benni went to order their drinks and carried them to a little table next to the window. The man followed behind and they sat down, both a little shy, a little unsure of what they were supposed to do. Benni took his mug between his hands and took the first sip.

”Can I ask what you think about, all this?” the man asked, waving his hand in a large enough circle to refer to the whole world. Benni but his coffee down on the table and leaned his chin on his palm.

”To be honest, I'm not really sure. It's still so new. I think I haven't even fully realised it yet.

”Mm, I know what you mean. It's been quite a journey so far, and it's only lasted for two days! I've waited for this my whole life and then when it finally happens I'm terrified of it. I actually thought for a day that a boy from my class was my soulmate, he got his colors the same day as I did. I mean really, can you imagine? A seven-year-old boy and his teacher. A match made in heaven. Truly. I'm so glad that you are an adult at least. And you're not a parent of my schoolkids either! This actually has a realistic chance of working out. Of course we don't know for sure if we're soulmates or not but I'm just saying that I like this possibility a lot more than the previous one. And I think I should really shut up right about now.”

Benni laughed as the guy hid behind his mug. He was rather sweet.

”Well I'm honored that you consider myself to be a better candidate than a seven year old,” Benni bowed his head in a mock compliment. The blush in the guy's cheeks deepened.

”No, I get what you mean. I'd be terrified too if that happened to me.”

”Yeah. You can't believe how relieved I was when another kid from my class started seeing colors too. Though I guess it's kind of messed up, to find your soulmate at the age of seven. My story isn't nice but it can't be easy for them either.”

Benni hummed in acknowledgment. Monogamy since early childhood, not an easy thing at all. He sent a silent prayer for them to make it work.

”The class can't focus on anything else than colors. I spent the whole day today trying to explain them different things about colors. You can imagine it's not too easy for me either!”

”The books came in handy then?” Benni grinned. The man rolled his eyes.

”I panicked, okay? My mum gave me a color book when I was five and I've carried it around with me ever since but now I couldn't find it. I'm ninety nine percent sure one of my friends has destroyed it. There was a time when he thought I was getting too obsessed about colors.”

”And what's the story behind these soulmate books?” Benni asked, half hesitantly, but too curious to restrain himself. Plus this man seemed to be very open about himself, talking even about things that most people would have deemed too personal or embarrassing to share with strangers. Benni liked that about him, it lured him in. The man glanced his bags and then sifted his gaze to the window, apparently watching something that no one could see, no matter how many colors they had.

”I don't know. I'm not sure. Maybe I just hoped there was new information that I haven't heard before. I've been reading soulmate research most of my life but I still don't know half of the answers I'd like to.” He ran his hand through his hair, looking rather painful.

”Like, if you are my soulmate, I first met you on Monday, but I only saw colors on Wednesday. I wish it could be just puff, you touch your soulmate, now you see all the colors of the rainbow. It would have saved me from many painful happenings.”

He returned to his coffee, slurped it loudly. Benni looked at the foam on his own coffee.

”Yeah, it'd be convenient, wouldn't it.”

”Do you see all the colors yet?”

”Mm, pretty much. I actually got inspired by you and I've been checking the charts and as far as I can tell, I'm seeing all the basic colors. It's just inside one color that I can't see all shades, I think. Lighter shades seem pretty much like gray to me and everything there in the middle is very similar. I don't think it's supposed to be like that. The colors are not so, so vibrant as I had imagined.”

The teacher nodded earnestly. ”I only see light blue and green.”

”I've heard that it's got something to do with emotions. Like how meaningful the touch between soulmates is.”

”Yeah, I've heard the same. I just wanted to see if there's any more information about that.”

”Hey, at least you have started the process now,” Benni squeezed the man's hand. He smiled back. They knew that they were both on the same boat, and at least they could share that, if nothing else.

They spent an hour or so at the cafe, talking about this and that, drinking their coffees and getting seconds. Benni watched the man in front of him to gush about his stories, his hands flying around him, his face being just as animated. He blushed and stuttered whenever he thought he was getting too carried away in his babbling, but Benni didn't really mind. He found the guy to be rather cute actually. Maybe it wouldn't be so horrible if they turned out to be soulmates after all.

They were just saying their goodbyes for the day, ready to go on their separate ways, when Benni thought of something.

”Oh, hey, this might be a bit awkward at this point, but what's your name?”

”Oh, right. I'm Mats Hummels,” he offered his hand for a shake. Benni took it.

”Benedikt Höwedes.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god.
> 
> Back when I first started planning this story I had my doubts about how people would like it. It's way too angsty and quite closely based on my personal experiences, so I thought that people would have a hard time relating to it but I hoped it would be an enjoyable story nonetheless. I used the difficulties of finding a life partner as a metaphor for my own difficulties, and I seriously had no idea what kind of an ant nest I was poking. So, so many of you have left me heart-warming comments and messages about the storyline and the work altogether, how it just evokes some deep-hidden feelings. I just want to give a big, BIG collective hug to all of you <3
> 
> A genuine thank you for all of you too who have not commented but left kudos or just read without leaving any evidence. I appreciate you all <3 And I'm truly enormously sorry that I can't show my appreciation by updating regularly. There is quite a lot going on in my life right now, some of it good, some of it bad, all of it time consuming and something I need to brood on. I'm afraid I can't give any promises about coming updates, but rest assured, I will finish this story.
> 
> A little heart-opening from my behalf. I'm sure you're more interested in the actual chapter, so I'll shut up now :D
> 
> Love you!

Mats didn't meet Benedikt for a week. They both had their own busy lives, their jobs, their friends, their hobbies. Benedikt lived in another city too, so they definitely had some trouble trying to find time for each other. Mats tried to act as normal as possible, push the disturbing thoughts about soulmates on the back of his mind. He had already let them affect him too much during the previous week. As long as there wasn't anything concrete, as long as this thing could progress either way, it was the best to try and forget about it entirely.

Mats hadn't got any new colors, but Benedikt was his only candidate for a soulmate. He let the small kindle of hope live, out there, in the darkest corner of his mind.

For Saturday, when neither of them had anything better to do, Mats had invited Benedikt over. He had mulled over for hours if it was too soon, if they should rather go to a restaurant, or any other public place for that matter. But he wanted privacy, he wanted a quiet and serene place where they could just focus on each other and nothing else. See if they might click. Fortunately Benedikt had agreed, without sounding too sceptical about Mats' choice for a meeting place.

And it went all right. Mats wasn't too self-conscious anymore, he could actually talk to Benedikt without blushing and stuttering. They discovered they had many common interests, they joked and laughed. It was going so well that really, it should have been self-evident that something was going to ruin it.

This particular time it was Marco and Mario. Of course they had the audacity to come and ruin his best date in the last five years. His _only_ date in the last five years.

”Hey, sorry we're a bit late. Mario insisted on changing shoes like ten times.”

”It was three times, max. Plus that's quite rich coming from you, Mr. I-Need-A-Moment-With-My-Hair.”

”I don't spend any more time with my hair than you do with your eyebrows.”

Mats stood in the doorway, looking the bickering couple in confusion while they removed their shoes and jackets and hats like they were at home. Like they were going to stay, for crying out loud. 

”Hey, this marriage dispute is nice and all, but why do you have to do it in my hallway?”

”Yeah, you're right, the game is about to start. We should move this to the living room.”

The game. Mats wanted to hit himself so bad. It was unbelievable, how could he have forgotten that Marco and Mario were coming to watch the game! Whereas other, normal people spent their Saturdays on dates, Mats spent them with his friends watching football. It was a weekly thing and it really shouldn't have been so difficult to remember that no, he could not invite Benedikt over on a Saturday.

Too late to do anything about it now. Mario had already found his way to the living room, introduced himself to Benedikt and started babbling this and that about the coming game. Mats was a little envious of him, how easily he handled this new situation and how to him there seemed to be nothing wrong. Mats could definitely do with a dosage, even a fraction of his confidence. Or maybe it was obliviousness, but still.

Marco was a little harder to fool. Upon seeing some strange man sitting on Mats' couch he gave Mats a puzzled look, but didn't say anything. Mats ignored him and walked straight to Benedikt, asked him if he could please come to the kitchen and help him with the snacks.

Once in the refuge of his kitchen, outside the earshot of his friends, Mats confessed his slip to Benedikt.

”I'm so, so sorry. I completely forgot that they were coming to watch the match. I don't really know how, we have this tradition that they come to mine every other week and I go to theirs on the rest. Football. They're too fancy-ass to actually go to the stadium, Mario gets cold. Guess I just had too many things on my mind. I don't mark these on my calendar. You don't have to stay if you don't want to.” Mats fussed in his cupboards, fetching bowls and plates, peanuts and chips, avoiding eye-contact.

”No, it's okay, I like football, I can stay. If I'm not in the way?” Benedikt, sweet Benedikt asked. Of course Mats wanted him to stay, he quite enjoyed Benedikt's company. Not to mention how difficult it would be to explain to Marco and Mario why he left just before the game.

”Yeah, of course. Sorry, I didn't intend to put you under the radar of my friends this soon. Don't mind them too much, they're quite... unique,” Mats continued bustling.

”Really Mats, don't worry,” Benedikt gave him a calming smile. ”Just maybe tell me which team's side you're on so I can take part in their discussion from the right point of view.”

Mats took a moment from his bowl-filling and eyed Benedikt sceptically. ”Shouldn't it be obvious?”

”Ah, I thought so. Guess our thing was here then,” Benedikt winked.

Mats looked at Benedikt in confusion, until it dawned at him. Benedikt lived in another city. In _that_ city. To confirm his suspicions, Benedikt started to laugh when seeing the realisation from Mats' face.

”You're, you're one of those! A smurf! A blue bastard!”

Benedikt cackled even louder, took the bowls and started carrying them to the living room. ”You might want to be sure not to invite me here for the derby!”

Mats was left in the kitchen on his own, wondering on just how many times the universe could screw him over. His pondering didn't last for too long though. Almost as soon as Benedikt had left, Marco stormed in, obviously ready to question Mats about this mystery man.

”So,” Marco leaned against the wall, crossing his arms, seemingly expecting Mats to spill his heart out.

”So?”

”Benedikt, huh?”

Mats ran a hand across his face. He hadn't spoken a word for Marco about this soulmate situation since the first day.

”A lot has happened, okay? I didn't know what to think.”

”Maybe I could have helped?” Marco asked tentatively.

Mats sighed. He knew that Marco had a point. He didn't even fully know why he hadn't talked about this.

”I know, I appreciate it. Guess I've just been afraid to talk about it. That it's not true after it anymore, you know? I wake up and realise it was just a dream.”

”Hey, dude, that man out there is very real. As good-looking as he is, he's not a dream.” Marco pushed away from the wall and came to give Mats a little friendly push on the shoulder.

”You think he's good-looking?” Mats smiled weakly.

”Hell yeah he is. I just have to judge his other qualities too today,” Marco grinned, making Mats groan.

”Please don't screw this up for me, Marco. We don't even know each other yet. And I'm already in a bad light cause I bought nineteen color chart books and twenty-three books about soulmates from him.”

Marco raised his eyebrows.

”Dude, I can't screw this up anymore. You bought enough books from him to keep my fireplace lit for a year, not to mention revealing your obsession about colors and he's still there. No one can screw this up.”

***

Benni took in a deep breath and tried to form a genuine smile. It really shouldn't be this hard. He had known that this day would come eventually, it was as certain as sun rising in the morning and setting again in the evening. Anyone who wasn't a blind fool had known it. It should't sting this much.

But it did.

Benni was sure that somewhere deep down he was happy for them too. Their exuberant happiness, brimming over the top, just reminded him very clearly what he was missing himself. Sure, there were the colors now, and the possibility with Mats, but Benni didn't really know what to think of any of that. He didn't even know if he was ready yet. It was messy, to say the least. It was possibly somewhere in the far future, when this was happening right now, before his eyes.

Chris was marveling at the rings like a teenage girl, Manu was patting backs like a proud father, Toni was without a doubt holding back happy tears like a sap. Benni thought that he really should do something more than just strain his face muscles like a wet blanket. Though in truth not too many people even seemed to notice him brooding alone. They were too immersed gushing about the newly-engaged.

”Did you plan it for long?” Chris squeaked. He had his enourmous eyes directed at the happy couple, thirsting for every romantic detail he could get.

”Well, I guess I planned it for seven years, you know?” Lukas gently bumped Basti's side with his elbow. Basti looked back lovingly. Benni wanted to be sick.

”But did you do anything special? Like Manu, he took me to a hot air balloon ride and proposed me up there, the whole city below us and the countryside spreading in front of our eyes. It was so beautiful!”

”Yes Chris, thank you, that was only the billionth time I've heard that,” Basti sneered.

”Lukas is too simple-minded to come up with anything like that,” Toni quipped.

”Hey! It was very sweet and thoughtful, let me tell you! I took him to our favourite restaurant and proposed during the dessert,” Lukas shrugged, but couldn't hide the pride smile. This was actually worse now with colors, Benni could see the little blush forming on Lukas' cheeks. He wanted to look away but couldn't.

”In front of all those people?”

”Had you hid the ring somewhere?”

”Did everybody clap?”

”Did he answer straight away?”

”Had you prepared a speech?”

”Did you get free champagne?”

And so on and so on. Benni didn't bother to listen anymore to the bombard of questions. Let alone the sugary answers. Yeah, other people's happiness didn't take anything away from him and all that nonsense, but it certainly had the capability to bring bitter memories back to surface. It emphasised perfectly that other people had something that Benni did not.

It should have been him. He had planned it all, much like Lukas. He had almost seen himself where Lukas and Basti were now, in the middle of their friends, getting well-wished, receiving happy smiles, exchanging meaningful looks. With his loved one.

But here he was, sitting in the corner, all alone. Forgotten.

Benni stood up and took the three steps needed to join them.

”Hey, congrats! About the time you manned up.”

As impossible as Benni had thought it to be, Lukas broke into an even wider grin than before.

”Hah, yeah. I finally figured he was never going to do it, so if I wanted my happily ever after I had to it myself.”

There. It was done. Now he just wanted to go home.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's short, but I hope it's good.

Mats and Benedikt kept seeing each other, sneak in to spend a little time together whenever they had the possibility. On the days when they both finished work early they would go on a stroll to the park or to sit in some secluded corner of a small cafe. On weekends they would travel back and forth between the two cities, introducing the other to the finest places their respective homes had to offer. And when they couldn't meet, there were always phones.

Mats popped new colors every now and then, sometimes after meeting with Benedikt, sometimes not, but they always came on the mornings. It irritated him beyond belief that there wasn't any pattern to the colors coming that he could see. Benedikt really started to grow on him, Mats enjoyed spending time with him immensely, but a little voice inside his head kept nagging at him that the colors didn't fit. His soulmate was someone else.

A part of him wanted to ignore the voice and indulge himself whit what was in front of him, not to pay any mind to the fact if it was destiny or not. Marco encouraged him to do so too, apparently Benedikt had passed his 'suitable partner material for my best friend' -test. Which was very impressive, as Benedikt had revealed his true colors in the world of football. If Marco was willing to let that slide, Benedikt really was something special.

But a bigger part of Mats was scared, wanted to be absolutely thousand percent sure before doing anything final. He still remembered, clear as a day, how it had felt when Hilke met her real soulmate. How she had seemingly forgotten that just a day before she was virtually planning their future together with Mats. How devastated Mats himself had been. He didn't want anyone to go through that same thing, but most certainly he didn't want Benedikt to feel as left behind and lonely as Mats had felt that time. He deserved better.

And obviously he didn't want to go through that either. Going to the bookstore one day and seeing Benedikt kissing with someone, a blissful smile plastered on his face. He wouldn't survive that a second time.

Mats might have been 34 years old, but he was not too old to call his mother when he was nearing a panic attack because of his possible soulmate. Mats explained the situation for her briefly and she went straight to the point.

”Have you kissed him yet, Mats? You know a mere touch isn't always enough.”

”I know,” Mats said. His mom made it sound so easy. Like he could actually go and kiss Benedikt, just like that.

”And you know it isn't that unfamiliar for soulmates to get their colors at a different time.”

”Yeah.” Mats shuffled his feet.

”I didn't get all my colors at once either. It's all perfectly normal,” his mother kept convincing him.

”I know, mom,” Mats sighed. A silence stretched between them, a pressing silence that to Mats felt like minutes.

”It's just that... I want it to be him. I want it so bad. What if I kiss him and nothing happens?”

”Oh, Mats...”

”Then I have to ditch him and have to start searching for my real soulmate again. And I have no idea of where to even start to look. It could be anyone. And Benedikt is so great, I, I like him. I don't want to leave him,” Mats blurted everything out in one breath.

”Sweetheart. You don't have to start a relationship with your soulmate, it's not a law. If you want to be with Benedikt then you can, even if he isn't your soulmate.”

”But –”

”But the universe knows what it's doing, so if you have a good feeling about Benedikt then I do to. Just go for it Mats, you can't really lose anything.”

Mats wasn't so sure if that was true. Still, it was two against one now.

”I guess you're right. Thanks, mom.”

”Anytime, Mats. Now, tell me more about this Benedikt. Is he handsome?” 

”Mom! I'm not going to answer that.” 

Mats' face spread into a goofy smile. Guess he could try what everyone was telling him to do.

***

Mats had spent a wonderful evening with Benedikt. He would definitely go as far as call it perfect. As much as he fretted about the situation when he was alone, he utterly and completely forgot everything about soulmates and colors and unlikely possibilities when he was with Benedikt. He had the capability to make him concentrate on the positives, to fully focus on the present and not think about crazy presumptions and frightening what-ifs. Maybe he really should take that as a sign.

So mostly it had been a perfect night, but Mats' nerves got to him when they were about to leave the restaurant. He took his sweet time with the remains of his wine, put his jacket on like a cripple, he lingered on the entry way, he reverted back to stuttering and fidgeting. He scooted closer to Benedikt, really close, but turned his head away at the last second, stuffed his hands to his pockets. This was way harder than it needed to be.

Next to him, Benedikt started laughing. ”You can kiss me, Mats.”

Mats blushed furiously, crouched even further inside his jacket. ”I know, I just –”

He didn't manage to finish his sentence. Benedikt took hold of his cheek, turned his face back to him and inexorably pushed their mouths together. At first Mats' eyes threatened to bulge out of their sockets, but as their lips started to move against each other, he closed them again and just dived into the wonderful feeling, let his body take charge and enjoy the situation, without his overthinking brain interfering the pleasure.

And oh, what a pleasure it was. Mats couldn't even remember when he was last kissed like that. He tuned out all other feelings, let his body work on its own, have its own dialogue with Benedikt's. He drew Benedikt closer by his waist, let his hand found its way to Benedikt's hair, invited Benedikt's tongue in.

It was like every cliché about fireworks erupting, and soon Mats had to pull out to catch his breath, to give his senses a moment's break. It didn't work out as planned though, because as soon as he opened his eyes, he had to take a step back, grip his hand a bit tighter to Benedikt's shirt in order not to lose his balance totally. During the brief kiss, the whole world had changed. Mats' eyes dilated when he took in the new surroundings, all the possible color combinations. He couldn't see a hint of gray anywhere.

”You got the colors?” Benedikt asked, a pleased sound in his voice. Mats was too baffled to actually say anything, was afraid that his voice would break if he tried to use it now, so he just simply nodded, multiple times.

Benedikt broke into a beautiful smile, and his eyes sparkled. Mats had been taking in his surroundings, looking absolutely everywhere to see what the world looked like in color, but the twinkling he caught in the corner of his eyes made him switch his gaze to Benedikt. To his soulmate. He had been stunning in grayscale too, of course, but now he was downright captivating. Mats admired the light shades of his hair, wondered how his beard could be a different color compared to it, noticed the teeny tiny freckles spread around his nose, how well they complimented his eyes. The colors of Benedikt were fascinating, beautiful, enchanting, so very suiting for him.

Mats brushed Benedikt's cheek bone lightly with his thumb. ”Do you know what color your eyes are?” 

”They're brown.”

”Just brown? You don't know any more specific than that?” Mats asked, a bit disappointed.

”No, I didn't think it was important,” Benedikt shrugged.

”Not important?! Oh, you're coming to mine tonight and I'm going to do some comparing with my charts.”

”I'm coming to your place and you're just going to stare at some books? I have to say that it sounds rather boring,” Benedikt grinned.

Mats hummed. ”Well, maybe we can do something else too.”

Taking advantage of the hand that Mats still had wrapped around Benedikt's shirt, he pulled the blond closer to himself and captured his lips with his own again. Their first kiss had been somewhat tentative, slow-paced and cautious, but this second one was induced with fiery passion, a feeling not unlike Mats hadn't felt since his teens. They kissed like they wanted to eat each other, and only stopped to laugh and smile occasionally, to look each other deep in their brown eyes.

***

Benni had met his soulmate. Benni had a soulmate. He hadn't thought that either of those two were true, would ever come to be. And he had accepted his fate, had built his life around the fact. He had moved on, found joy from other aspects. He had been happy. His life had been great.

A lot had changed in a year, though. Everything in his life had turned upside down, everything he had known and trusted to be constant had seized to exist. He was left all alone to figure out how to overcome all the issues, and he still hadn't quite finished that process. And now he had a soulmate and it was just all getting a bit too much.

Benni was supposed to meet him in an hour, but he just couldn't. Not when he was this moping, pitiful, bitter creature full of insecurities. His soulmate didn't need to see that. He picked up a phone and called the ever so cheerful soulmate.

”Hey Mats.”

”Hi! I'm not running late am I?” Ah, sweet Mats. Not even thinking that Benni might have some other reason to call.

”No, no. Actually I was calling that I think I won't be able to come tonight. I'm not feeling very well, I think I caught a bug or something.” Benni refrained from fake coughing, just barely.

”Really? Oh, you poor thing. Want me to come there to take care of you?” Sweet Mats. Always worrying about others.

”No, no, there's no need, no. I don't want to risk you catching it too. I think it will be fine if I just rest for a while.”

”Okay, if you're sure. Try drinking tea with a buttload of honey.”

”Yeah, sure, I will.” Benni so wanted to hang up already, but Mats didn't seem to have a similar urge.

”Chicken soup is great too. My mom has a kick-ass recipe, I can send it to you.” Thank you, it was quite enough already, Benni didn't need any more reminders of how sweet Mats really was.

”Nah, it's okay, I can't take advantage of Hummels family heirlooms just yet.”

”It's not a big thing. The secret ingredient is chicken, so.”

Benni couldn't help but let out a little laugh. Stupid, sweet Mats.

”I'll send it to you, it's really good.”

”Yeah, sure, okay, I'll try it.”

”Take care, Benni!”

”Thanks, I will, bye!” 

Benni hung up before Mats had the chance to say anything back, he feared the conversation would just drag on and on otherwise. He squeezed his eyes shut and gave a good few knocks on his head. What was he doing? 

It didn't actually help his self-pity session when a few minutes later the phone he was still clutching chirped to inform him that Mats had sent him the chicken soup recipe. Sweet, sweet Mats. Mats, who was nice and smart and funny and so thoroughly excited about Benni. Mats who had waited for thirty years to meet his soulmate.

Benni made another call.

”Hey Manu, you up for drinks tonight?”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh yeah, did I mention I was on a holiday? Good times.

”Where's cutieface?”

”Who?”

Mario looked at Mats' empty living room in a rather disappointed manner and Mats looked at him in a very confused manner. 

”You know, cutieface. The guy who was here the last time, I don't remember his name.”

Mats had skipped a few of their weekly football evenings in favour of meeting with Benni, but trust it with Mario to not miss Mats, his friend of two decades, but the random stranger he had met just once before. But then again it was Benni they were talking about, so Mats knew what Mario was feeling and was willing to forgive him.

”His name is Benedikt. And he couldn't come tonight, he had some thing with his friends.”

”Oh, shame, I was looking forward to his comments about our lousy performance again. They were so hilarious in their inaccuracy.”

To Mario the conversation was apparently there. He sat down on the couch, switched on the tv and Mats sighed in relief. Benni was a very nice topic to talk about, and on any other day Mats could have discussed the finer details of Benni for hours on end, but maybe not today. Today he wanted to talk about football and how his friends were doing. 

Marco on the other hand had different plans. 

”Yeah, and I was looking forward to gloating to him how his team lost yesterday,” he said with a wistful smile. ”It would have been magical to see his cute face become all red.”

Mats narrowed his eyes. ”Would you stop talking about his cute face?” 

”Why, you miss it so much?” Marco snickered. Mats just grunted, crossed his arms and sat on the couch sulking.

”Why was he even here the last time? I don't really get why you asked him to see the match of our team when he seems to hate it so much,” Mario asked.

”It was just a coincidence,” Mats answered briefly. They were nearing dangerous waters with this conversation, so he tried to change the course. ”What do you think our chances are tonight?”

”Oh, we're going to win of course, like five to one,” Mario waved him off. ”How did you and that Benedikt meet? Is he from your school?”

”No. I went to his bookstore.”

”You went to his bookstore and you two became friends just like that?”

”Yes! That's how it went, nothing more to it!”

Mats was pouting, avoiding looking at Mario who sat next to him, as confused as ever. Behind them Marco was almost doubling over from trying not to laugh aloud at Mats' misery.

”Are you absolutely sure there's nothing more to it, Mats?” Marco managed to say through fits of laughter. Mario became even more baffled. He was clearly begin to understand that he was the one left out of a secret.

”What is it Mats, tell me!” Mario demanded.

”I just bought a couple of books from him. The game is about to start.”

”The game is going to be on for the next ninety minutes, we have time for this.”

”May I just point out that the 'couple of books' Mats is referring to here was more like fifty,” Marco cut in.

”No you may not!”

”What? You really bought fifty books from him?” Mario asked.

”Not at once.”

”No, it was a whole two different times,” Marco was full on laughing now, unable to keep it inside him anymore. Mats was sure that his face, cute or not, was beginning to be very red too. He so should have skipped football this week too. He couldn't believe he called these morons friends.

”Just tell him Mats, I don't get why you're keeping it a secret anymore.”

Mats glared at Marco, the traitor, but finally gave in.

”Benni is my soulmate.”

”What?!” Mario jumped off from the couch, stared at Mats like he had just slapped him. ”Why you didn't want to tell me that?”

Mats looked at the partly confused, partly hurt friend of his and his giggling soulmate in desperation. He had never felt so cornered in his life.

”Because it's scary, alright? It's terrifying.”

”What is? He's your soulmate, it should be amazing.” Mario sat back on the couch and laid a comforting hand on Mats' knee. Marco joined them on the couch too sitting on the other side of Mats. He knew they meant good but he felt trapped. On the tv their team conceded an early goal but no one seemed to care.

”Yeah, he's my soulmate but it doesn't mean that everything will just magically work out for the best. I've never been to a proper relationship before, what if I do something stupid and I just scare him off cause I'm so awkward.”

Mario looked taken aback that someone should have such stupid worries. He patted Mats' knee gently.

”We didn't have any experience either when we met and it worked just fine. ”

”Mario, you two were fifteen when you met. Of course you didn't have any experience. We on the other hand are over thirty already and I know that he's been in relationships before. And he's so great and yeah I'm excited but I'm just so nervous that I'm going to mess this all up.”

"He's right dude. Soulmates are just on a whole different level, you don't need to worry about anything," Marco patted his other knee. 

The happy couple, proud of their accomplishments, turned their attention to the tv now that their friend's love life was sorted out. Between them Mats sighed loudly.

"I know right? These idiots just don't know how to stop giving early goals."

***

Benni wasn't sure how his afternoon had ended up being like this. He had come to Lukas and Basti's to supposedly spend a perfectly regular day with a bunch of his friends, nothing out of the ordinary on sight, but here he was, listening to everybody bickering about cake decorations and flower arrangements. Just the things he enjoyed in life.

”Okay. How about if there's two different cakes? One small one, for you and I don't know, your parents, and another one for all the rest. Then you can both have the kind of cake you want,” Chris explained to the grumpy grooms-to-be, very slowly and with the help of calming hand gestures.

”But then they're not consistent! I want everything to be consistent,” Lukas insisted.

”So in other words you want to plan everything yourself, you want everything to be just the way you want it to be. It's supposed to be my wedding too,” Basti complained, sending death stares over his crossed arms to the general direction of his fiancé. 

Benni would have laughed at the comedic value of this all, how the situation very much resembled an episode of Bridezillas combined with a parody of kindergartners, if he hadn't actually been one to attend rather than to watch it from his tv.

The dining room table where they were sitting at was filled with different kinds of brochures and pictures and hand made notes describing venue options, guest lists, invitation templates, cake toppers, chair covers and everything else that could possible be linked to weddings. Basti and Lukas were sitting at opposite ends of the table, having hauled a little fortresses around them with their respective inspiration materials. Chris still somehow had the patience to try and act as the voice of reason, but Benni alongside with Manu had given up and were at this point mainly rolling their eyes and sighing in exasperation. 

Benni wasn't sure why he had ever thought he would like to get married too.

”It's going to be the biggest, most important day of your lives! I just want it to be perfect,” Lukas said.

”Oh, so you're saying that if I get to decide something it's not going to be perfect anymore?” Basti raised his voice.

”No, that's not what I said at all! I've just been planning this in my head for years, I have a very clear vision what I want,” Lukas slammed his hands on the table.

”Guys, maybe you should –,” Chris tried to keep the situation in hand, in vain. Basti slammed his hands on the table too and rose from his chair.

”Are you sure there's room for me in your cute little visions? Maybe you would like to change me too, you know, everything has to be consistent and all!”

”Oh, guys, get a grip!” Benni shouted. He had been silent long enough for his interruption to have just the effect he wanted to. ”It's a wedding, not a matter of life and death.”

Lukas opened his mouth to protest but Benni raised his index finger to shut him up.

”In five years, are you going to think that damn, it was such a nice day, if only there had been strawberry cake instead of raspberry to make it perfect. I say bin all this junk here and focus on what's really important.”

Basti and Lukas still eyed each other suspiciously, breathing heavily, but at least they were quiet. Chris spotted a chance and jumped in.

”Yeah, Benni has a point. What if you both wrote a list, like a top five, what you want from the wedding. We can build on top of that.”

Lukas hesitated for a second, but after an encouraging nod from Chris, he sat down again, cleared some space in front of him and started writing. Bastian followed suit. In a matter of minutes they were back to their old lovey-dovey selves, insisting on fulfilling the other's dreams and brushing off their own.

A peace had restored to the universe and when none of his friends were looking, Benni escaped to the balcony to get some air. He only managed a few calming breaths though before he heard Manu following him.

”You alright, Benni?”

”Yeah, it's fine.”

”You're allowed to feel sad too, it doesn't make you a horrible person.”

”Manu, I said it's fine.”

”It's just hard for them to keep it cool sometimes, to be considerate, they're too immersed on it you know?”

”I met my soulmate.”

That finally did it, made Manu take a break from his worried babbling and wild hand gestures. In fact it shut him down completely. Benni wasn't even sure if Manu was blinking at the moment.

”Come again?”

”I met my soulmate.”

”You met your soulmate?”

”M-hm.”

There was a strained silence, until the information finally clicked in.

”Benedikt Höwedes! How long have you known?” Manu stood up a bit more straight and folded his hands, giving very disapproving looks at Benni.

”For sure? A few weeks. He didn't get his colors straight away.”

”A few weeks?! When were you planning on telling me this?”

”Just now?” Benni shrugged.

Manu looked back at him with a strange expression on his face.

”I don't understand. Shouldn't you be like over the top, shouting and jumping from joy instead of brooding here all alone?”

Benni sighed and turned to look at the city in its early evening colors, bright yellows already shining from various windows and dusky pink fighting a battle with dark blue on the sky.

”It's not that I don't like him, if that's what you're thinking, quite the opposite actually. It's just... It's really scary.” Benni turned his gaze back to Manu, his eyes and voice oozing the worry he had kept inside him.

”He's my soulmate. I'm _his_ soulmate. He's really the sweetest guy on earth and he's constantly gushing about how wonderful it is that we finally found each other and it's terrifying that I should be the one for him, the one that makes all the waiting worth it and transforms his life to sunshines and rainbows and marshmallows. He deserves someone better. Not some grumpy, beaten up guy who's given up hope, stuck on the past.”

Manu looked like he had something to say, but Benni wasn't going to give him the chance to speak up. He had kept this inside a long time, had cemented it in and now that it was finally crumbling and coming out he was unable to stop it. 

”I'm so nervous. I'm not ready. Before I was thinking about myself, how I will feel when I have a soulmate, you know? But it isn’t just me there. He’s a part of this bond too and I’m responsible for his happiness, of his dreams coming true. I’m afraid that I won’t be what he wants, what he deserves. I have all this baggage and how can I be the man he wants me to be, has dreamed of his whole life?”

Benni was afraid to look at Manu, instead he was picking the red flowers that grew on the balcony railing. Manu stood completely still, maybe to find the right words, maybe to give Benni some time to calm down to make sure his message sunk in.

”Benni, it works in both ways,” Manu stepped up and laid a heavy, yet still strangely comforting hand on Benni's shoulder. ”You're his soulmate, he's yours. You'll make his life better just by existing and he'll do the same for you. I'd hate to say some clichés here about the world working in funny ways and the universe knowing what it's doing, but in essence they're true. He's there to heal you too. He's there to make your wait worth it.”

Benni hummed, deep in thought. In theory he knew that to be true, along with a lot of other things, but it did nothing to sooth his irrational fears. 

”Now, tell me about this mystery man. What's his name, when did you meet. And how?!”

The frown set on Benni's face made way to a slowly forming smile, the worry lines in the corner of his eyes melted away and revealed the glint in his look. Benni looked away from Manu again, but not from embarrassment this time.

”His name's Mats, and he bought forty two books from me.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, uh... Hi.

The colors were even more fascinating than Mats could have ever imagined. He just couldn't get enough of them. He had changed the black and white monotony of his house to something more close to unicorn vomit. The plain walls were now full of colorful paintings and posters and pictures. The simple textiles were replaced with bright pillows and curtains and rugs according to a carefully chosen color theme in each room. Mats had started collecting all sorts of mismatched dishes and he was definitely eating more fruits and vegetables now, they all looked so appealing.

It might have made him look like a fool at the time, but right now Mats was nothing but happy that he had had his weak moment and he had actually bought quite a variety of color books. They were pretty much the only books he ever read anymore. He still hadn't located his mother's old color chart, but one of the new books was very similar to it, and Mats was now carrying it with him where ever he went, comparing the little squares with new items and colors he came up with, tried to decide a suiting name for them.

Reading a color book was the last thing Mats did every night. He absolutely loved the more detailed books that went deeper into color theory details, explained mixing of the colors, the color wheels, the psychological and visual effects that certain colors and their combinations had. He couldn't believe how encaging it was to read about the etymology of different shade names, how confusing it was that sometimes the same name included several different shades, depending of the source. Mats didn't understand at all how most people could talk about just 'red' and 'green' when in reality they kept dozens and dozens of different shades inside them, shades that could be as far from each other than black and white were.

Comparing the charts, trying to decide when orange turned into yellow and turquoise into green was an activity that Mats just couldn't get enough of.

Another thing that Mats couldn't get enough of was Benni. He had always sort of secretly resented those publicly affectionate couples, who just had to rub it in that yes, we're quite happy, thank you for asking and no, we can't actually pay any attention to you or anything else surrounding us right now because this other person is just too fascinating. But now, he had to admit he understood them. Mats could certainly spend an entire evening just staring at Benni and not get bored for a second. He noticed that when they were together, he had to somehow be in physical contact with Benni almost non-stop. He just had to be sure that Benni was actually real, actually there, actually his to touch, his soulmate. That this wasn't some dream he was still having.

Not to mention that kissing Benni was pretty damn amazing. So amazing in fact, that Mats hadn't seen the point of doing much else this afternoon. The barely tasted take-out was forgotten on the table to cool down, the so-called movie night hadn't progressed even as far as opening the tv. None of it mattered, not when there was a comforting, solid weight on top of Mats, not when there was a warm hand beneath his shirt and a wet and skilful mouth against his. It didn't matter that the couch they were lying on was just a bit too small for them, it didn't matter that there was a heap of pillows under his back, pressing on to him uncomfortably, it certainly didn't matter that there was something else pressing on to his hip, something less soft than pillows.

So far they had been taking things slowly, but Mats was beginning to get over that. There were few things more convincing than this, the rush of blood in his ears, the tingling in his lower stomach, the shortness of his breath, the way his jeans were getting too tight for his liking. It didn't help, at all, that Benni was looking down on him, his eyes darker than their normal hazel color, his lips parted, revealing blood red wonders.

Mats licked his own lips, tried to get words out of his throat that suddenly felt too dry. ”You wanna... You wanna take this to the bedroom?”

Benni seemed to be just as out of words than Mats was. He simply nodded, once, twice, the heat in his eyes making them even darker.

They hastily made their way to the bedroom, leaving some clothes behind, occasionally hitting a wall or too when they were too busy watching where they were going. Only when they finally reached the bedroom and crashed on the bed as a pile of tangled limbs did Mats start to hesitate. He wanted this, he wanted Benni, there was no question about that, but he hadn't exactly been one to practise his skills during the last years.

Benni noticed him tensing up, stopped caressing him and looked at him with concern.

”Everything alright, Mats?”

”Yeah, yeah, I just... I haven't done this in a long time,” Mats rasped. He was pretty sure he was blushing a bit.

Benni brushed his cheek gently. ”We don't have to. We got plenty of time.”

”No, that's not what I mean, it's just... _I haven't done this in a long time_.”

Benni smiled kindly, encouragingly, with just a hint of mischief. ”Don't worry, I'll be thorough.”

Mats nodded hesitantly and Benni moved onto kissing his neck, nibbling gently the spot that felt oh, just right for Mats. Slowly but surely Benni moved his hands lower, to Mats' waist, to his hip and finally to the sensitive patch of skin just above his zipper. Mats gripped Benni's hair and the sheets, trying to remember how to breath. Benni chuckled, barely audible, and lifted his gaze up to Mats' eyes. He had that same smile on, a smile full of assurance, adoration, affection, with a good doze of dirty poorly hidden underneath it all as well. With a smile like that, Mats couldn't help but pull Benni into another heated kiss and let those hands continue on their downward path.

Benni really was thorough. He made a slow work of discarding all of their clothes, leaving wet kisses and gentle nibbles on the exposed areas of Mats' skin. It made Mats relax to the point where the first finger preaching into him was mostly a relief rather than anything else. By the time there were three fingers inside him, his apprehension had turned into anticipation, spreading from the pit of his stomach absolutely everywhere onto his body, making his toes curl, his fingers scratch small lines to Benni's back, his neck crane, his hips buckle, his cock twitch and his breath hitch up in his throat.

”You ready?”

”U-huh.”

”Turn around,” Benni told him, giving him a gentle push and helping a pillow under his hips. ”Tell me to stop if it hurts.”

Telling Benni to stop was not the first thing that came to Mats' mind. Rather it was something more to the lines of please don't _ever_ stop. Mats was overwhelmed by the whole feeling, of Benni brushing his pleasure centre with every push, sending fireworks in every imaginable color to burst and dance behind his closed eyes. Passionate scarlet, fiery boysenberry, delightful tangerine, ardent scarlet, exhilarating electric blue, brisk lime, loving flamingo pink, along with all the rest of the colors that Mats could name. They were making him dizzy, unable to concentrate, to the point where he had to open his eyes to be able to stare at the white bed sheets beneath him.

Benni breathed into his neck, hot puffs of air that mixed with the sweat that was forming there, sending shivers down to Mats' spine. As if he wasn't shaking enough already. The bombard of emotions and sensations was dangerously becoming a bit too much for him to handle, they all gathered deep inside him and threatened to burst out.

Mats felt a hand sneak its way around his stomach, but what he did not expect was that the hand hadn't come to finish things off, at least not in the traditional way. Instead he felt himself being hoisted up to his knees, the strong frame of Benni holding him up, supporting him. He sat on Benni's thighs, both of Benni's arm wrapped around him tightly and not for a moment did Benni stop the pushing motions.

A flash of blinding white, with little bursts of flaming yellow filled Mats' vision. It seemed to last forever before it finally subsided, slowly gave way to tranquil indigo blue that cooled down the fervent carmine of their synchronised satisfaction.

***

Afterwards they were sprawled on the bed together, too lazy, too comfortable to do anything but smile stupidly. Benni swept the still little bit damp curls from Mats' forehead and watched the face beneath his palm spread to an even wider smile.

”How are you feeling, Mats?”

”Mmm... I feel cherry blossom pink,” Mats mumbled happily.

Benni couldn't keep the incredulous chuckle inside him. ”Cherry blossom pink?”

”Yeah. And a bit marigold too.”

Benni lifted his head from the pillow and looked at the man next to him. He looked way too blissful to be joking. Benni poked him on one of his dimples.

”You are aware that they are colors and not feelings.”

”Sure they are. I'm feeling them right now.”

Benni shook his head. This guy would never stop to amaze him. ”Alright then, I'm gonna need a Mats-normal person-Mats dictionary for this.” He hoisted himself to more upright position and reached over Mats for the nightstand, to find a book he knew was going to be there, along with all the rest of Mats' color charts. The one that had big blocks of colors so you could easily compare them to each other. There were even some pictures included, colorful fruits and flowers and landscapes that presented the aforementioned shades. But the reason why Mats liked it so much, and why Benni needed it now, was the fact that each and every block came with a name and description of the color written beneath it. Benni would not be surprised if one of these days Mats came and declared that he had learnt all of them by heart. He probably had already.

Benni would never admit aloud to Mats, but he kind of liked the book as well. He had even rearranged the color book section of his shop, so he could give the book the prime showcase position it deserved. It had worked magnificently, the book was by far the most popular of all his color charts.

Benni flipped through the pages until he got to the pinks and found cherry blossom pink. He set the book open on Mats' chest, cleared his throat.

”So, cherry blossom pink. 'A warm light pink with a subtle blue undertone. Tender, yet still bright. Known especially for the cherry blossom season in Japan.' And a lovely picture of the tree as well,” Benni turned the book to show the picture for Mats, who peeked at it by opening just one of his eyes.

”Yeah, exactly. Don't forget the marigold.”

”How could I,” Benni snickered. ”Okay, marigold. 'Dusty, bright orange with distinctively more yellow than red. Fiery, energising and bold. Named after the common garden flower.' Babe, I'd hate to break this to you but these are still flowers and not feelings,” Benni faked seriousness.

”They're multitasking,” Mats said with just as much seriousness.

”Oh wow, pretty amazing these colors aren't they, they can multitask too.”

”Oh come on, Benni!” Mats laughed. ”Like you haven't heard anyone talking about _feeling blue_ ever before.”

”Just because there's one color that can be used to describe a feeling doesn't mean that it can be applied for all the rest of the colors too. Especially if you're one Mats Hummels who thinks there are some fifteen thousand different colors.”

Benni got a smack on the head for that one. Probably he deserved it too, but it didn't stop him from cackling.

”Just close your eyes and concentrate, I'm certain you'll see what I mean. The colors just fill your vision.”

”I'm pretty sure that if I close my eyes the only color I'll see is black,” Benni said, dodging another smack.

”Smartass. Just try it.”

Despite his sarcastic outer core, Benni indulged Mats' wishes. He put the book back on the nightstand, closed his eyes, took a deep breath and rested his head on Mats' chest. He tuned out all conscious thoughts and just concentrated on the sound of Mats' pulse, his musky scent, the warmth of his body. Focused on the feelings that all these things evoked in him.

He didn't know how to say it in colors, but he felt relaxed. Content. Happy.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the lovely comments for the previous chapter! It meant the world to me to know that there are still people who remember and this story, even though I haven't been nowhere near decent with my posting schedule. I still can't promise anything, but I certainly hope I won't have to take a three-month break anymore... This thing is going to be some 15 chapters long altogether and I already have all the coming events figured out in my head, just have to go through with the nuisance of actually writing them down :D But you all lovely fluffballs definitely help with motivation! <3

“Make yourself at home, dinner should be ready in fifteen.”

Mats left Benni to take off his shoes and jacket and hurried back to the kitchen before anything could burn. It was just a simple dinner, nothing fancy and nothing difficult, but he still didn't want to destroy anything. Benni deserved the very best even on a regular Wednesday.

Mats was too busy stirring the sauce to hear that Benni had followed him, so he jumped a little when he felt two arms embracing him, a familiar head appear to his shoulder.

“Whaddya making?” Benni extended his hand and scooped some of the sauce.

“Hey, hands off! Who knows where they’ve been?” Mats smacked Benni’s hand off with the stirring spoon he was using. Benni laughed and leaped out of his reach.

“And this here is tomato sauce, since your eyes clearly have stopped working and you can’t see it for yourself. Though I guess it’s a bit deceiving. Your book about the etymology of colors states the color ‘tomato’ as a reddish _orange_. And in what world the actual tomatoes are orange? Does this sauce look a wee bit of orange to you? Uh-uh, no sir, tomatoes are definitely of a darker tinged red, more saturated. Why would we even call the fruit orange the color orange unless they had something in common? Have you ever had problems at the grocery store, comparing tomatoes and oranges and trying to decide which one was the one you wanted cause they looked so similar and you couldn't tell them apart?”

Mats wasn’t even halfway finished with his lecture when Benni interrupted him with a gentle laugh. “Mats, who even cares. Red is red is red.” Benni dared to approach Mats again and wrapped him into a hug, from the front this time.

“Who cares?! Everyone should,” Mats scoffed.

“Well, personally I think that your lips are a very tempting shade of red. I’ll call it a Mats red from now on,” Benni tried to capture Mats into a kiss, but even though the pout on Mats’ face had subsided a bit he was having none of it.

“Hey, no dessert before you’ve finished your dinner,” Mats grinned. ”Besides, you can't just name shades on your own. Though I guess it makes sense in your case. You and your precious football club, you think that by just naming your team colors royal blue will make simple coal miners something fancier than they really are.”

”Oh, that's rich, coming from a _bumblebee_.”

Mats smacked Benni again with the spoon he was still holding, right to the top of his head this time. Benni settled for glaring at Mats below his lashes, while rubbing his head.

“Why don’t you set the table, hmm? And leave me to tend the very deep red tomato sauce in peace.”

“Okay, but only because you still have the spoon and I’m not that fond of bumps in my head. Where do you keep the candles?”

Mats made a sideways glance at Benni from the stove, with one eyebrow arched high up. “Are you making fun of my romantic habits?”

“Making fun of you, alas, no! How little do you think of me? I was just making an innocent inquiry,” Benni feigned being hurt, holding an open palm to his chest.

“Innocent inquiry… There’s nothing innocent about you,” Mats muttered.

The expression on Benni’s face proved Mats’ statement right.

***

After the dessert they both laid on the bed, legs draped around each other, Mats resting his head on Benni’s stomach and Benni idly playing with the soft, dark curls erupting to each and every direction from Mats’ head. Mats was apparently fighting against sleep but Benni’s mind was occupied with more brooding thoughts. He enjoyed spending time with Mats, very much so, but he still wasn’t sure about the bigger picture. They didn’t know one another very deeply.

As much as they enjoyed each other now, Benni still feared that in the long run one of them would have to make a huge compromise to conform the other. The little glimpses he had had from Mats indicated that their life plans were pretty different, that Mats was hoping for him to do things he wasn’t sure he was able to perform. 

Not all soulmates made the perfect couples, so maybe he should make things clear right now, right from the beginning, when it maybe wouldn’t sting as much yet.

“Mats?” Benni asked tentatively. Mats made some noise of acknowledgment, stirred his head so he was able to look at Benni.

“What do you want, like from out of life? What are your long term plans? Where do you see yourself in five years?”

Mats raised his brows. “What is this, a job interview?” he joked languidly.

“Well, I am a business owner. Maybe I’m thinking about hiring a new shop slave.”

“And what would be the duties of this shop slave, serving you under the desk?”

“Hey, I got to keep myself entertained during the quiet hours. There’s only so much dusting one can do in a day.”

Mats chuckled good-naturedly, but fortunately he seemed to understand that Benni was being somewhat serious with his questions. He got up and moved so that he was now resting next to Benni, their heads just slightly touching, both of them staring at the ceiling.

“I don’t know if I have life plans anymore,” Mats started slowly, quietly, after a lengthy pause. “I had my whole life figured out at twenty something, but as all my plans and dreams started with meeting my soulmate and doing the rest of the stuff together with them they all sort of died out. At some point you reach the point where you’ve had enough and you need to stop dreaming in order to keep your sanity. You just can’t deal with the endless disappointments anymore.”

Benni felt sick to his stomach. He wasn’t sure which one felt worse, hearing Mats confess this or thinking that he was only going to bring more pain to him.

“Guess I always wanted kids, but maybe I’m too old for them already. And I have my kids at school, that’s almost the same, isn’t it? Then I wanted to travel, see the world and all its beautiful colors that it had to offer. I mean I’ve travelled a lot, but it’s just not the same, I’d like to share it with someone. I’ve been to a couple of holidays with Marco and Mario but they have such busy lives, they mainly want to hang around at the pool and relax with cold drinks in their hands once they’re on a holiday. It’s nice too, yeah, but I’m more of an explorer myself.”

That wasn’t so bad. Benni liked travelling too, he could do that.

“I guess I've just floated around, taking what faith decides to bring to my doorstep without actively trying to achieve something myself. I’ve just been dreaming of these silly, little things. Having a dog, you know,” Mats quieted down with a heavy sigh and kept his eyes pointedly to the ceiling. Benni watched his ponderings, feeling worse by the second.

“I haven’t been one to daydream either,” he finally confessed, voice trembling.

“I had… I was in a relationship, a while back. We thought we were a couple of oddballs who didn’t even have soulmates. Turns out that he did have one. It was… It got pretty ugly. And I thought that maybe I’m just better off on my own, as the only oddball of the world.”

Mats didn’t say anything, but he didn’t really need to. They both knew that words didn’t have the capability to express what they were feeling right now, they would prove to be too flat, cold, meaningless. What was needed was only the presence of the other, Mats’ arm around Benni’s waist, Benni’s head resting against Mats’ chest.

Two broken souls, mending each other. Lying in the dark, where not even the shades of grey were visible.

Maybe he should just stop thinking about these things and take the progress of their relationship as it came, one step at a time, day by day. There was no need to rush, no predetermined dates of when this and this milestone needed to be met. He had gone from 'we' to 'me' once already, had took a completely different approach to life and adapted to the new qualities that it came with. Surely he could do it again, the other way round this time. Mats was his soulmate, he cared very much of him, of course he would do what needed to make him happy.

With these thoughts whirling in his mind, Benni fell asleep.

 

He woke up again in the middle of the night, from Mats’ embrace. Panic immediately took over him, he hadn’t intended on staying in for the night. He hadn’t asked a permission from Mats, plus he had a morning shift at the shop. It would take him forever to get back to his flat to get fresh clothes.

He got up as quietly as he possibly could, hoping to dear god that Mats was a sound sleeper. He didn’t really know how he would explain this, sneaking out in the middle of the night if Mats were to find out.

”Where do you think you're going?” a sleep-saturated voice asked behind him. Benni grimaced. Of course.

”I have to get back home, I don't have any clean clothes with me or anything.”

”There's a whole closet full of clothes, take your pick. I'm pretty sure I can find you a towel too somewhere so you can shower,” Mats said to the pillow.

”I can't wear your clothes, they're too big!” Benni whisper-shouted back.

Mats shifted his head to be able to give Benni the assessing head-to-toe glance with one eye. ”We're about the same size, it's close enough. Besides, you can't drive now, you're just gonna fall asleep and die. I still enjoy my colors, thank you.”

Benni was not amused but he _was_ tired. Maybe just this once he could stay. Mats was completely right, it would be a bit stupid to start driving now, at his condition. No one would care, or even notice, if he showed up a bit scruffy at work. Just this once.

Before Benni could answer anything, Mats had bear hugged him back to bed and was softly snoring again. Yeah, just this once, it definitely wouldn't hurt.

***

”Mister Boss Man!” Luke greeted him eagerly the second he got inside the shop. ”Had a late night with teacher gone loco, I presume?”

Benni cursed the baggy shirt on him, cursed the stubble he hadn't wanted to shave off with Mats' products, cursed his nosy employee and most of all cursed Mats, to the deepest and darkest pits of hell. Benni could not understand how a man who saw the tiniest, insignificant, non-existing variations between two shades couldn't see and understand that they were not 'about the same size'.

”So tell me boss, did your own shirt got ripped or were there perhaps, some er, _other substances_ , on it so you had to put that tent on?”

Mats might think that Benni wasn’t innocent, but he had not had the misfortune of meeting the devil walking on earth, disguised as a one Lukas Hradecky.

But even with the teasing, Benni wasn’t too displeased with having to wear one of Mats’ shirts. With him wearing it, there was a subtle yet ever present scent of Mats flowing around him. That was nice.


	13. Chapter 13

Since Benni had fallen asleep at Mats' place for the first time they had started doing it more regularly, with actual intensions to do so. Benni had brought some of his things at Mats’ so he could spend the night there more spontaneously and Mats went to Benni's every single weekend Benni didn't have a morning shift the next day. Mats suspected that Benni had started to distribute the shifts in a new way, so that he suddenly had suspiciously many weekend mornings free. Benni didn't say anything about it and Mats would never ask, but it warmed his heart nonetheless. Benni making adjustments to his life to be able to fit Mats into it better. Mats would have never guessed that such simple things could feel so amazing, make his smile spread from one ear to the other when he even thought about it.

Spending the nights together and organising his work to be more Mats-friendly weren't even the only things that Benni had done to make Mats feel like a bigger, more important part of Benni's life. Mats couldn’t stay for the night today, but he didn’t mind so much, because they were going to do something else very special. Today, for the first time ever, Mats was going to meet some of Benni’s friends. Maybe it wasn’t such a big deal for everyone, but Mats knew it certainly was for Benni. He didn’t talk about it much, but Mats could understand by reading between the lines that Benni wasn’t in too good relations with his family. They hadn’t necessarily fallen out completely, there was just some unresolved friction between them that prevented them from being close. And it was certainly evident that his friends meant the world for Benni, they were his make-shift family. They had been there for him through thick and thin, for years and years.

Obviously it mattered a great deal then to introduce his soulmate to them.

Benni had been so cute when he had suggested it, asking if it was okay for Mats, assuring that he didn't have to, complained how his friends just kept nagging and nagging for him for hogging Mats all to himself and not letting his friends enjoy him too. Mats had of course said it was totally fine for him to meet them. He was rather excited to.

Because they had been right. His friends, his parents, his self-help books, everything they had said was essentially true. He and Benni were soulmates. They were meant to be. Bigger forces had decided that they would work and Mats did not have a say in the matter.

Not that he really wanted to. This thing between them was getting more and more serious and Mats enjoyed every second of it. He didn’t mind at all that the universe had decided his partner for him, no one could have done a better job in the task.

Mats was not afraid anymore. 

Great things would come out of this.

***

”And don't hold him any third degrees,” Benni pleaded, brushing off invisible specks of dust around his clothes. “He has his… quirks, but they’re completely harmless.”

”You're making him sound like a weirdo,” Manu grinned.

”He's not! He's just... one of a kind.” Benni went on re-organising the pillows on his couch for the fourth time.

”That's just a polite way to say he's a weirdo.” Manu kept on sipping his coffee as nonchalantly as possible, infuriating Benni even more. Why couldn’t he have any normal friends, like Mats did? Mats’ friends had been so nice to him, still were every time they met, but his friends were some major gits. 

”He's not! He teaches first-graders, they wouldn't let weird people do that.”

”I'd say that by definition you need to be weird before you can consider teaching kids for a living,” Chris said wryly, happily taking part in the trash-talking. Because why wouldn’t he. Benni wanted to roll his eyes at somebody, but no one was on his side.

”Stop it guys, he's not weird! He's just... a bit more enthusiastic about colors than the average person.”

”You said he bought forty two books from you,” Manu noted.

”Not at once! And I sell books for a living, it's just good that somebody buys them too.”

“Didn’t that Luke guy who works for you call him insane too?”

Benni buried his face on his hands. It didn’t really matter anymore if his apartment was in a tip-top shape. It would hardly be any consolation for Mats once his friends were done with him. Benni wondered, probably for the thousandth time, why on earth he had thought it would be a good idea to let Mats meet his friends.

”Relax, Benni. We'll behave once he gets here,” Chris tried to calm him.

”Ha, speak for yourself, Kramer!”

”Manu, it's not funny!”

”Yeah, you're right. It's hilarious!” Manu’s loud laughter echoed around the room.

”I'm gonna murder you once this is over,” Benni muttered. He would have wanted to fuss more with the miniscule details, brood over about all the possible ways this evening could turn out to a catastrophe, but Mats chose exactly this moment to ring his doorbell. Benni's palms sweated.

He was way more nervous of this meet-up than he legitimately should have been. Mats had seemed excited of the possibility of meeting some of his friends and as much as Manu and Chris tormented him now, he knew they would behave themselves once Mats was actually there. They would never say anything bad to him or make him feel embarrassed. Not unless there was actually something so fundamentally wrong with him that they couldn’t imagine even in their wildest dreams that Benni kept on seeing him, and he knew there wasn’t anything like that with Mats. 

Apart from the color enthusiasm there was absolutely nothing wrong with Mats. He was civilised and intelligent and funny, he was kind and warm and caring. He was capable of having a conversation about almost anything, with everyone. And he wasn’t just some dried up academic, he had a wonderful sense of humour and could suffer being laughed at too. He was really the kind of down to earth -guy that everyone loved to talk to and spend time with. And the color thing, it was kind of endearing too. Who wouldn’t find it cute when a grown man fussed about shades of pink so much.

Benni opened the door with a nervous smile. Mats greeted him with a kiss on the cheek and without further fuss made his way to the living room.

Benni had been right. Mats blended in like a fish in the water, talking with Manu and Chris like they had known each other for years. The initial book episode came out once, but even Manu could refrain from making any quirky comments about it. There was only a significant smirk directed to Benni when Mats wasn’t looking, and Benni could very well live with that. All in all the whole evening turned out to be rather successful and Benni let out a big sigh of relief once he closed the door behind Manu and Chris.

“They seem like nice people,” Mats said with a content smile on his face.

Benni’s phone beeped to signal a text from Manu.

_Weird in the way that he seems to be perfect fit for you._

Benni couldn’t help grinning. “Yeah, I think they like you too.”

_Bonus points for the ass._

“They _really_ like you.”

***

After sending Mats home too Benni sat down and closed his eyes. The evening had certainly been nice, but quite draining too. He sat alone for a long time, the lively conversation still echoing around the room, the light outside slowly dimming.

He had never been a big believer of soulmates, of someone else deciding who his life partner was going to be. It still annoyed him, on a fundamental level, that one day the soulmate just appeared out of nowhere, no matter if he was ready for it or not. He didn’t get to choose the who or the when or the how or the why. That didn’t seem like an ideal way to start something meaningful.

But Benni had to admit that he had started to grow on Mats, big time. The start hadn’t been ideal, because of multiple reasons, but they were working on it. Contrary to what he had thought in the beginning, they were winning.

Everyone else seemed to think them as the perfect couple too. The ideal definition of soulmates, two halves of one whole, completing each other, all that nonsense that came with the concept. Hell, even Luke had said so, that Mats seemed like an ideal partner for him. If his twenty-something employee paid attention to it, to his boss’ love life, instead of partying and videogames and whatever it was that twenty-somethings did these days, it must have been pretty obvious. If Luke, who had never had a meaningful relationship and who knew nothing about love told Benni that him and Mats were ‘rocking it’, then there certainly must be some truth to it.

Benni fished his phone out from his pocket and opened the text conversation with Manu. He had sent him a reply without paying it too much attention, just typing out the first thing that had come to his mind.

_Don’t ogle my soulmate’s ass._

Soulmate. Not Mats, not him, not even a boyfriend, that just a little while back would have shocked him too. No, he had called Mats his soulmate, like it was the most normal, everyday thing.

Everyone seemed to think them as the perfect couple, and Benni mostly agreed, but he still felt like he should have had a say in the matter too.

But maybe he was in the wrong in this. Benni finally got up from the couch and walked to his bedroom. He opened the middle drawer of his nightstand and took out a little, velvet box. Opening the box took a bit more hesitation from Benni, but once he finally did, he revealed a simple silver ring sitting on the box. 

Benni sat down on the bed, categorising all the emotions that came to his mind just by looking at the ring. Sorting through between the good and the bad, weighing and analysing, trying to figure out which one of the sentiments were winning. If the good things were good enough that they could drown out the bad ones. 

If everyone thought so, maybe he finally should do what had been long coming.


End file.
